Posts

Posted on

Some days are hard

Some days are hard, this is one of those days. I’ll admit I cried myself to sleep last night. That hard crying that rocks your whole body. Waking a couple of hours later to start the process again, this time sleep evading me until it was time to get up. So today is going to be brutal but here I am at the day job. Showing up and doing what is expected of me when it is the last place I want to be.

It’s not my lot that has me upset. I can deal with the problems, complications, appointments and such that goes with my husbands health and how that affects our life. Some of those situations can get me down but not like this. Although he apologised when I was sobbing last night for all the extra pressure he has brought to my life. That made me feel worse as it was not his fault.

There are two people in my life that buzz around like that annoying mosquito. One has been quiet for a while (not that I expect that to last) but the other one has found a way to buzz in stereo. It wants me to dance to its tune and it wants it now. I swatted it away but I know it is about to divebomb me and that bite will itch for days.

After the call, whilst in the middle of my dinner I might add, which didn’t get finished (it killed my appetite) I sat back and mentally scrolled the list of things I have to, need to and want to do. Again something has to give. More hard decisions have to be made. The main thing is I need to find some time. I could ask my boss to go part-time. He won’t be happy as we are busy and this is the time of year when all the big bills appear, car insurance, tax and this year a large medical excess is heading our way. It would be hard and require a lot of cutting back.

Then I look at the easier options. All the things I want. In that my light dims a little more. I’ve already closed one avenue down as it wasn’t working. Now I am facing the hard decision of maybe I need to face up to that fact that I can’t have what I want. Perhaps it’s not meant to be. I can hear people saying, putting on hold and come back to it when you have more time. Reality is there will always be something that demands that time. That is the hard truth.

For now I am going to doing some hard thinking. Study this problem from every angle. Decisions will need to be made before renewals are due to be paid and publication dates are actually here. So if I go quiet you know why. There are a few copies of the new book left in my possession so if you want one let me know as there may not be anymore.

In all this hard contemplation I will keep looking at a message I received from an old friend. Ten words that have lifted me up a lot recently, not that he knows that. One thing I wish people would realise is that what you see or perceive is going on in someone’s life could be so far from the truth. You have no right to make demands on their time and look at the bigger picture. Just because it is your priority you don’t get to make it everyone else’s. Ex

Posted on

Unexpected Fraud

I was just working on my other project when a post popped to mind. It falls under the ‘only us’ category. Even now I get angry about this. It relates to fraud. Now they give you advice on taking care to shred paperwork. Properly block out personal information. Not giving people access to your information. However what if it’s information that is coming into your home? How to you protect that? Read on and see what I mean.

We had got back from our wedding and honeymoon in the Caribbean. Working our way through all those people and companies that you have to notify of the name change, change of circumstances and the like. I had a few more days off before our wedding party for friends and family so we had a few appointments between the final preparations for that. One of those was to get hubby added to my current account and my name changed. Went into the local branch. Got it all sorted. Happy days.

A few days after the party we had decided to have a few weeks off the drink. Sitting at the table just about to have dinner and the phone goes. It’s my bank. Sorry to inform you but we think you have been a victim of fraud. They start going through some transactions and my heart sinks. So the savings that I put in to pay the bills for the wedding party: it’s all gone? Yes you are overdrawn. How? In all the years I have banked with you I’ve never had an overdraft.

We were asked to go into our local branch the following day to sort it. Before I ended the call I asked if they could let the mortgage payment got through. They assured me there would be no problem and we would be getting the money back. I remember clearly putting the phone down and grabbing a bottle of wine. Sod the not drinking.

How had this happened? The debit cards for both of us had arrived safely as had husbands pin number. Neither of us had been anywhere unusual. Husband hadn’t even used his card yet. Dinner was forgotten. I was distraught. If the bank didn’t give us that money back I was wondering how to cover the cheques for the party. It was going to be mortifying when they bounced.

The visit to the bank was eye opening. They had issued my husband with a cash card. I’d never had one but they figured he would want one. It had never arrived and that was being used. As for the overdraft. Sheepishly they said that it had been approved as my situation had changed. So getting married means that I’m suddenly, after years and years of being a good customer, was going to be irresponsible? I was livid. To make matters worse they hadn’t paid the mortgage.

They’d had a field day at various electrical stores: not local ones. That stuck in my mind because they had even had the audacity to set up direct debits for insurances on the items they had brought. While we were stood at the counter going through some forms my husband noticed someone in the queue who, when he spotted my husband watching him, ran from the branch. It was a postman. The lightbulb went on. He had intercepted the post. I jest you not. We have contacts in Royal Mail. He was caught and eventually deported: I seem to remember it making local news.

For a while after we were getting credit cards for other people. The police were not interested but if they ran up lots of debt then let them know. Thanks for that. Those accounts were harder to close but we got there. It marred the start of married life that was for sure as for months I was on edge. We got the money back and thankfully with some letters we were not too badly affected.

I hadn’t heard of anyone else suffering fraud that way. The bank held our cards at branch for collection for a few years at my request. With all the best will in the world you can’t protect against everything. People will find a way. Only us! Ex

Posted on

The Power of a Letter

What would you say is more effective, a telephone call, an email or a letter? In these days of technology, instant messages and online chat you would think that to get anything done a letter would be ineffective. Redundant. Obsolete. Well let me tell you I think it is still the most powerful and efficient tool at our disposal.

Over the last several years I have come to realize that modern technology is great when the system is working properly. If there are no bugs. It’s not overloaded and the people using it are good at their jobs. The information loaded on the big PC is current and regularly updated then wonderful. Online is the way to go.

We are advised that to contact a department you leave a message. Send an email, you might want to attach a letter to that mail. Log on to that wonderful app they have said it is imperative to have and you will find the information you need. Someone will get back to you. Its all there. Everything is easy and fast. I call bull!

A year, well almost, we waited for test results. An application for funding for treatment was going to be made and we would hear back in three months as to what was going to happen. Tumbleweed. Radio silence. We reach out. Leave a message. Ask for updates. Complete a questionnaire to ensure we are still on the waiting list… and nothing.

The GP was no help. It takes time. The department is over stretched. They are busy. They will get to you? But how long do you wait? Is a year not long enough? Can you chase them us for us. See if you can get the results. An indication as to where we are at? No! Well thanks for that.

I sit. I stew. Someone else in my life stirs up some brown smelly stuff: unrelated but it pokes the bear. Enough is enough. Time to start making waves. The laptop gets powered up and my sarcastic mode has engaged. Letters to various companies penned then comes the hospital. Now I am never rude. My language maybe colourful in my head as I am composing the letter but what goes into print is polite.

Bingo. A response a few days later. Oh sorry. We installed a new system and you fell through the cracks. Seriously? How many patients did they ‘remove’ from the waiting list by shoving them down that crack. Was it in fact a version of the Grand Canyon? My husband must be the unluckiest person as this is not the first time a new system saw him being forgotten or misplaced. How can that happen so often?

So now we have to redo some of those tests. The application for funding will be submitted as that never happened. Once the results are back, if the funding is approved we can move forward. We have been given a telephone number to call if we have a problem. Now why is that? A different number. Direct contact? Is this a way to keep us quiet for a while longer?

Three months is what I will give them. Then one call to that new number. If that gets no response I will stick to my trusted letter. Effective. Powerful and satisfying. The old ways still have their uses. So if you find that you are not getting a response from a department. Try a letter. It might surprise you. For a little more effort it seems to get a lot more results. Maybe the old ways still have their place in todays world. It works for me. Ex

Posted on

Been There, Done That

Hindsight is a great thing don’t you think? That moment of clarity when you realise you have been there, done that and come through the other side. You can see the signs. Those behaviours, that at the time ,you were living but didn’t see. The nose in front of your face if you will. That when you see it in others you ponder how to help. If in deed you can.

As I have said previously that I feel that I have grown a lot as a person this last year. Some of that I’m sure is the been there, done that mindset. Being able to learn from those situations. Also finding the ability to take a step back and realise that, in the grand scheme of things, not everything, that in the heat of the moment, is actually that earth shatteringly important. Funny how life throws hurdles your way that makes you re-evaluate everything. Giving you a different perspective. Parkinson’s has certainly been one of them. Maybe mix that a little with age.

This blog has been so eye opening for me. Taking that time to reflect and be openly honest about me, my feelings, the things that scare the crap out of me, all from the safety of my laptop. Things that, face to face, I wouldn’t be able to put into words. Not even want to address. Again for those that have been with me on this journey; thank you. I do think without this therapy I wouldn’t be able to deal with things as well as I find I can these days. It’s not perfect but certainly a lot better. This my lot and I have to make the most of it.

Been there, done that

So when you see someone in that place, struggling with their lot, can you actually give them the benefit of your been there revelations? I’m not sure that you can. That is sad. However I’m a realist. Would I have listened? Maybe, but not necessarily with both ears. I don’t think you can move on, I guess, until you want to. You need to have reached that point when you know, deep down, something has to change. You are ready to work on making it change. Do something to help yourself.

Are you more aware of the signs when you have lived it? The constant sighing. The repeating of depressive phrases. The moaning about not seeing anything good to look forward too. I want to apologise for all the times I did that. I’m profoundly sorry. I’ll admit I still sigh a lot but now I think that is more out of exasperation of other peoples stupid behaviour. Sadly it’s more often than I’d like.

You also then have to throw hormones into the female mix. That period of our lives when mother nature is really not playing nice. When up is down and we have no idea where we are in that equation. We need to empower ourselves, research and see what works for us because if we don’t no one else will help. Trial and error. Been there and done that, and this worked for me has never been more relevant.

I guess I used to be the no, not for me person. It’s different. That’s not what I’m saying. Chalk is cheese female. Now I still have my strong views but I’m finding myself more willing to listen to suggestions. That, this might work for you, look into it comment. Please do not tell me I have to do something. That still will not work. My stubborn DNA has not vanished. However if you can offer a word or two of wisdom, I’ll take it.

Going forward being supportive is all you can do. Repeat your been there, done that revelations in a nice way and keep your fingers crossed. I’m not saying that you have to do it indefinitely. At the end of the day, you have to put yourself first, when things get tough. Maybe, like me, they’ll find a way through to the other side in unexpected ways. My goodness, in that sense, I have been lucky. E x

Posted on

So tired

Man, this is getting hard. I wonder how thin someone can spread themselves. How long you can function on nothing but fumes. At what point the tired feeling overwhelms you and you just curl up, sigh and let sleep wash over you. Can it get that bad or do you find a way to struggle on?

I can’t honestly remember the last time I slept the night through. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that a uninterrupted nights sleep is now firmly relegated into my history. We’ve all been told how important a decent nights sleep is. The hints, tips and suggestions to ensure you get your eight hours, or how many you need to function. In an ideal world, but we don’t have that.

Cut back stress, don’t drink caffeine after 2pm, have screen free time before bed, stay hydrated, exercise, don’t drink or smoke… OK some of those need work but they’ve never interrupted my sleep patterns before. Apart from stress, that has always won in the keep me awake category. So why am I now so tired?

Hubby is dreaming a lot more, so that makes him fidgety. He is lashing out. Is that directly the Parkinson’s? Is it the medication? We don’t know but there is no point in asking the question as you never seem to get a straight answer. I know his stress levels affect his dreams and at the moment he is worried about tests, not the results, the actual tests. If he has restless nights, I don’t sleep well hence I am more tired.

Take the spare bed, I hear people say. Don’t have one. Sleep on the couch. Don’t have one. I’ve been known to sleep on the floor, literally, but I think those days are behind me as the last time I struggled to get moving after. I might get a full nights sleep and not be so tired but my back might be out of sorts… is it worth that? I could be out of action for weeks.

Can I hang one of these as I am so tired

Then you get the vicious circle. Things have got too much and you are tired. Can cry at the drop of a hat, tired. Life then cruelly laughs at you and throws more poop your way, daring you to buckle. You try to dodge it but trip over your own feet.

More stress means less sleep which equates to even more tired. People rear their heads. Ones that you have distanced yourself from and you are forced to deal with them. They stress you at the best of times. Now? You want to run for the hills and hide but you won’t give them the satisfaction. Hey what’s a few more sleepless nights? The bags and dark circles under your eyes are really fetching.

The reason for them reappearing also means more work for you. Even more balls to juggle. It’s alright, they are doing the heavy lifting they say. Right of course you are. My to do list has just exploded with new items. They are pushing for these things to jump to the top of the pile. I look at it with the hopes of crossing some items off to make it more manageable and less daunting. What do I pick? The things I want to do for me. Simply because …

So on I plod. Slower than normal but I deal with it, hoping that I don’t mess up and make even more work for myself. If tired wins and I fall asleep; possibly upright, I apologise for snoring. Just work around me; quietly if you would be so kind. Hopefully normal service will resume soon. Maybe after forty winks. E x

Posted on

Toxic Traits

Over the last few years I have tried to cut the toxic situations and people from my life mostly to preserve my own sanity and mental health. Life is hard enough without dealing with behaviour that serves no other purpose than to stir trouble and cause pain. I don’t need it. I won’t stand for it. I think I can honestly say it has had the desired effect. My stress levels have been greatly reduced. The need to rant has not been so great and I am not wanting to mentally slap people as much. So all in all a massive win for me.

In a perfect world you could have complete control over all of these people and situations but we all know this world is far from perfect. Recently one person has reared their head and it has been a nightmare. At this moment I am not able to banish them or their behaviour from my life, as much as I would love to. What has made it even harder is seeing how others are being affected.

Sadly the situation is on going and will be for some time. Usually I am sat on the sidelines watching with my bowl of popcorn, rolling my eyes and sighing. This time I am being forced onto the field of play and I can’t be substituted. Regrettably I am a key player in this chapter. The vulture is circling the carcass but the poor carcass isn’t dead.

The vultures resting in a tree. Toxic

So I am being forced to deal with selfishness, greed, childishness and lies. All toxic traits that are unpleasant and extremely distasteful. Years ago I would slip into confrontation mode and scream it out but age and a dash of wisdom (who would have thought it) has made me realise I’ll not win that way. Not that I actually think it is a battle I can win. To do that I would have to become more toxic than the main player and I don’t want to sink that low. I’m not saying I couldn’t but I don’t want to.

In that ideal world, what is happening now we should be able to deal with like the adults we all are. With honest, open dialogue, things could be discussed and dealt with: plans made. Fair outcomes achieved. But instead we have back stabbing, devious behaviour and a lot of emotional pain being caused to someone who, well shouldn’t have to deal with this. It’s so sad.

I have to say it has made me question my relationship with this person again and it pains me to say that it is now beyond repair. I’ve cried, I’ve tried to figure it out but there is nothing left. I am drained beyond belief. There are enough situations in my life to deal with. People that need my time, my love, my support, my energy and I can not allow that toxic cloud to distract me or make me ill.

Once this chapter is over, it will be the final one. The book will be closed. There will be no going back. I know there will be people out there that will try and fix it. One has asked that of me recently but I have nothing left in me to give, because to get a temporary fix I would have to give even more than I have already. I can’t and more importantly I won’t.

I hope you never find yourself in this place. I assure you it is not nice. Yet if you do, put yourself first. Take the time to consider what is right for you and look at the bigger picture and past behaviours. Toxic traits never change, no matter how much we want them too. E x

Posted on

Talking Therapy

How do you feel about talking therapy? Me I am going to hands down say it’s not for me. The idea of sitting about in a group telling a bunch of strangers the things that are weighing me down is so far outside my comfort zone. In my head I can hear the comments. ‘No one is there to judge.’ ‘A problem shared…’ ‘We are all in the same boat.’ If you are happy doing that good. Like I have said previously there is no right way and you have to do what is right for you.

I bet there are those of you who will roll your eyes and say ‘oh she doesn’t like talking but puts all her thoughts in a book.’ Yep – guilty as charged. I can edit. I can let it all out and hit delete. When I stumble putting my thoughts into words no one will notice or take what I am trying to say the wrong way. Lets face it these days we know how easy it is to offend.

Talking about my frustrations with people who are in the same boat also feels a little mean. They are suffering too so I don’t want to lay my problems on their shoulders, they have enough of their own. Please don’t say that you should leave the issues at the door because that is not me. I’ll shove those suckers in a massive sack and throw it over my shoulder and take it home. That is just who I am.

Another thing that doesn’t work for me is scheduling when I get to sit around talking about my problems. Hello people if I don’t share to those nearest and dearest I’m not going to talk on demand. The talking only happens when I am at the point I have to unload. The chances of that happening that exact moment someone tells me it is my time to talk is slim to non-existent.

A relaxing river is a perfect place to sit talking

The groups where people touch base and call you to make sure you are doing OK are never going to coincide with that moment when you are desperate for someone to sit and listen. I’ve had those calls. ‘Just checking in to see how things are.’ Always when I am having a good day and I’m not going to start talking about the problems and make it not a good day.

I know they tell you to make notes. Notes that when I read them back I think. Yeah that was relevant then but now…maybe not so much. That really got my goat that day but do you know what its not that important. I’ve dealt with it so no point rehashing it. That was a bad day made worse by this person or that situation and its not relevant to my problems. There are so many variables.

In no way am I saying that there should be no talking going on. There has to be some or that pressure cooker of feelings, frustrations and emotions is going to explode and cause an almighty mess. You just need to figure out what works best. A quick call to your bestie. Maybe a online messaging session with a friend where you can reply when its convenient. I’ll even say if you want to have a talk with yourself go for it I am not here to judge.

Talking is only beneficial if it helps, not adds pressure. Some people may need to be coerced into talking. Me I have to feel comfortable and want to. Also the person I am talking to needs to make me feel like they care, not just listening because they are being paid to. So if you want to unload, I’m at the the end of a message. You are not alone Ex

Posted on

Dream on.

Let’s talk dreams. Now I’m not talking about your aspirations and plans as much as they are important and probably very interesting. I’m talking about those dreams we have whilst asleep. We have all had the ones which have been vivid and have woken us with a start. Those that you can’t remember. I’ve had recurring ones. Ones that I can still remember from when I was young.

I mentioned previously that my husband has vivid dreams and I’ve had random conversations with him while he has been fast asleep. The best recent one was him asking if I could hot wire his tractor because he couldn’t find his key. Don’t ask. These got worse due to the side effect of one tablet.

So it seems that these dreams and the lashing out which sometimes comes with them are a side effect of Parkinson’s. They can be so vivid for the sufferer that medication is required to take the edge off the dreams. Some couples have reverted to separate rooms because of the severity of the problem. As things are for us at this moment that isn’t a solution unless I want to sleep in the bath.

Thankfully his dreams, while sometimes are vivid, haven’t got to the stage that I fear for my safety. Some of the stories I have read are worrying. Some funny too; they probably weren’t at the time. I have become tuned into his fidgeting which usually happens before he starts lashing out. Most of the time me talking to him sternly stops it. Worse case I turn my back as a smack to the back of the head is preferable to a bloody lip.

Dream on

It got me to wondering if these side effects materialise way before the diagnosis but we just don’t pick up on them. I remember one occasion and it hasn’t happened since. The main link road which our flat overlooks had been resurfaced during the two previous nights. I was woken by a rattling. Realising my husband wasn’t in bed I called out. I could hear him by the front door. I asked him what he was doing. ‘Just going to check out the tarmac’ was his reply. Thankfully me telling him to get back into bed stopped him.

We laugh about it now but what if he had gone onto the main road in the night. How far would he have got if I hadn’t woken up? What if a lorry driver had taken his attention off his driving and hit him? He has never done anything like it since but was that an early sign? Is this something that we will have to deal with going forward?

Only time will tell if we will have to deal with this issue and it does become more common place. Most of the time it doesn’t affect me as it’s only a short period of broken sleep in the night but if that becomes more than once a night then I may be hiring scaffold to keep the eyes open at the day job. That or investing in a futon and duvet for my office. I think if I suggest that to my boss he will be telling me to dream on.

I suppose if nothing else, if husband is true to form his dreams will provide plenty of things for me to write about as I am constantly sniggering at the comments he comes out with in his sleep. Sometimes I wonder if I should record him as he doesn’t always believe me. Maybe not, just in case I do it too and he doesn’t remember. E x

Posted on

Feeling flat

This was not a sensation I was expecting. Feeling flat sucks. If you are reading this then it is one of my posts that is raw, open and honest. Some don’t make it; they are deleted because nothing can be gained by me hitting publish. Others I hope I can grow from and find my own answer in what I have written.

As I am sat typing this I am a week away from being a published author. I have a box of books beside my armchair ready to sign and dispatch for any people that want signed copies. Yet I feel empty. Certainly feeling flat. It didn’t cross my mind that I could feel like this. I’ve taking a massive step in chasing my dream so why am I feeling this way?

All the research and stories I read on my way to publishing my book said that holding your book for the first time would be emotional. Me…nothing. Was I feeling flat because I was home alone when it arrived and there was no one to share that moment with? I know I wasn’t completely happy with the cover design once I saw it. But with the help of my bestie I tweaked it and was much happier. So I’d be better when I got the new copy…

Nope. Yeah I was pleased with the new design but the book sat on my desk and I was expecting some surge of pride. Some flicker of something: anything. Still just feeling flat. Is there something wrong with me? My bestie is so excited for me and when I spoke to her I couldn’t help but smile. Well as I admitted to her: it was all her fault. If she hadn’t messaged me about my post about asking if I should chase my dream I wouldn’t have tried.

I am supposed to be shouting to anyone who will listen how great my book is, but if I am feeling flat how on earth am I supposed to promote it? It would feel fake. I joined some online groups for new authors. Then asked myself why. I sat there reading posts and the responses, wondering what is wrong with people today. Half the people are selling their services saying they can make their books fly off the shelves. I am a tad cynical about those claims.

Feeling flat even though you have done something you should be proud of

Then there is the other half who are picking holes in the person who has shared their work looking for a little bit of encouragement. They don’t get that. Instead they are bombarded with replies telling them how they have got it all wrong. The cover design is poor. The blurb is not captivating. The fonts are all wrong. I am all for constructive criticism but there is none of that to been seen. Why?

Can you not just say well done on getting that far and then offer one or two suggestions for improvements. Are they putting that person down in the hopes of them giving up. With that person no longer on the scene their odds are marginally better? That is sad. That is wrong. Is that why I am feeling flat? Because most people want to belittle your achievements? If I did that would it make me feel better?

There are people in my life who are yet to find out what I have done. Sadly I am expecting reactions like those on the support group. There is a phrase that is banded about with authors: imposter syndrome. Perhaps I am not feeling flat. Perhaps I am feeling like a fraud. Well what ever it is; it’s not nice. I have yet to find the answer but I will keep looking. Ex

Posted on

Just Me!

Why do I dread my phone starting to ring
More drama to my life it always does bring
A favour, some advice, some help to give
Is that my sole purpose, for all that I live.

When things get complicated, that's when you call
The weight on your shoulders making you fall
You want to offload, rant, just bend my ear 
My job is to sooth, help wipe the odd tear.

So when I have news, excitement to share
I'm left feeling lonely, like you don't care
My pain and dejection I'll bury inside
It's now second nature, my emotions to hide.

What would you do if your call won't connect
How would you feel if I just hit reject
How many names would you brand me with
I'd not been there, no shit did I give.

Maybe its my time to smile and to feel
To bare my soul, all my pain to reveal
All those things I've buried deep down
To set them all free, to give up my frown.

I can't guarantee you'll like what you hear
It won't make you laugh or fill you with cheer
I'm not being selfish, sadistic or cruel
I'm just being honest, not like me at all.

For the sake of peace, I'm sorry though I'm not
I misunderstood, that's all that I've got
So let's draw a line, let sleeping dogs be
But from this moment on, I will be just me!