Do you ever get hit by a wave of emotion when you least expect it? That emotion is caused by something so innocuous and that in itself is surprising. But when it hits two of you at the same time… well that is a lot to deal with. Let me explain.
Over the last couple of months we have been clearing out my family home as my dad has finally decide to sell it. Due to space constraints in our home I never really moved many things out of my room when I got married. Clearing it out always got pushed down the list. All the while hoping we would eventually get a house then my things would finally move in too.
The main things had been boxed up and put into storage on a recent visit and my sister and I were back there emptying all the folders containing college work and bagging up the rubbish. The two of us were sat on my bed when I stumbled across a large brown envelope addressed to our mother. I pulled out the contents and… wham… the tears started. It was the care notes from her final days, Why they were in my room I don’t know.
Sniffing and apologising I looked over at my sister and she was doing exactly the same thing. That set me off more. Neither of us had even read the notes, it was just knowing what they were. Its not like this was a recent event. Mum passed over two decades ago. We both chuckled, sniffed, rubbed our eyes, got our emotion under control and in the very British way said ‘how stupid.’ Then got back to the task at hand.
Those notes got put on the book case for a little while as I felt guilty about putting them out for shredding/recycling. It took a deep breath and my big girl pants to empty the folder and throw them out. Mum wouldn’t have wanted us to keep them and I had no intention of reading them.
The last things I was bagging up were some old clothes that had been found in the spare room wardrobe and my dinner and dance dress. I have not seen that dress in over thirty years. Wham… emotion explosion number two. Why? Mum made that dress for me. I can remember so clearly her cursing me for losing weight and her needing to take it in for the third time. I hugged that dress and looked at my sister who nodded in understanding with tears in her eyes.
As I sat here typing this up another ripple of emotion has washed over me and a few tears have escaped. That dress is now in storage on top of the box containing my wedding dress. It won’t get worn again (it won’t fit) but I’m not ready to let it go. Is it stupid? Possibly. Probably. It is the only tangible thing I have that my mum made. So yes the emotion which is attached is strong.
I have one more trip to make back to my family home. The last few boxes which need to be stored. Am I expecting another wave of emotion? I’m not sure. It felt strange seeing a for sale board outside. Thinking about it I don’t think I am. For one simple reason and some people will think that it is a harsh thing I am about to say but the heart of that house has been missing for a very long time. The family have gone their own ways. It’s no longer home. That is inside us wherever we are. Ex