Category: Random Mutterings

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Eyes everywhere.

Is it wrong that when someone steps into your house they have eyes everywhere? Yes its natural to look about, we have all done it. A quick glance. A cursory look. I get that but there are some people that seem to take it to a whole different level and it annoys me. My husband said he was expecting it on this occasion and boy he was not wrong.

Recently we had an appointment for a home visit from a nurse to teach me how to administer my husbands new arthritis medication via injection. Husband said I better move anything that I didn’t want seen. Trust me our space it tiny. Its not as tidy as I would like. So I cleared a few important bits away so they were out of sight. Then we get a call to say they are going to be early. That’s a first.

A bubbly gentleman walks through the door and within less than a minute he is stood, eyes on our calendar on the wall which I had made up for my husband using our holiday photos. ‘Wow that looks impressive. Some one was enjoying themselves.’ I was in the kitchen thinking he was referring to our wedding photo which is proudly hanging on the wall. ‘Where were you?’ ‘Maldives husband replied. ‘Oh right, both pictures?’ Yes.

His eyes then moved round the room. Over the TV is a small shelf with two wooden animals we brought back from safari. ‘Oh look at that giraffe and elephant. Where did you get those?’ Africa I replied as I appeared from the kitchen. My eyes going to my husband who shot me a look that said ‘I told you so.’ I glared at him, I hate it when he is right.

He was only in the flat less than fifteen minutes but he made me feel really uncomfortable. Some of you would probably claim he was trying to find something to put us at ease. Make a connection. Find something to talk about. To me it felt nosy. Overly… I’m not going to say friendly but comfortable maybe. Too comfortable.

I have experienced this with a family member in the past. If a letter was left on a pile away from where they were sitting they would make the point of reading it. How did I know they had read it? They mentioned its contents. I’d not got around to putting it away. Is that not rude? An invasion of privacy. Who runs their eyes over someone else’s correspondence? If you are going to do it at least keep quiet about it.

So am I wrong? Is it acceptable to go into someone’s home, as in this case, once, and have a good look about and comment on several things? People have commented in the past that I am too serious about pretty much everything. The phrase ‘I should lighten up’ makes me roll my eyes. I see it as I am there to even the scales somewhat for all the people for which everything is a joke… just saying.

Sure I have gone into people’s homes and noticed family photos. I have wanted to comment about ones that are missing but I wouldn’t dream of saying anything. I don’t peer into open doorways as I walk down halls. I sure as heck don’t open closed doors. I feel guilty if I get lost going to the bathroom and end up in the wrong room. Maybe I am the odd bod is this case. Maybe my eyes should be everywhere. But what if I see something I shouldn’t? I worry about these things!!! E x

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Information overload

How do they expect patients to take so much information in at one time? Is it done that way so they can blame the patient when things go wrong and appointments are missed? Recently my husband had an afternoon admission for spinal injections. He was the first one in theatre because they wouldn’t sedate him. Don’t ask its a long complicated and frustrating situation. I would like to point out this was a private hospital appointment covered by my work’s insurance.

He was back in his room for less than ten minutes when his door became a revolving one. A nurse to check how he was feeling. Another lady asking if he wanted a some water. Then another to see if he was ready for some food. The nurse comes back to tell him he isn’t to get up without her being present.

His food arrives then the physio appears. The poor guy is trying to eat his food as he is hungry but she wants to ask questions. Up I step into carer role to provide her with information. Have you had these injections before? Do you have a history of back problems? I am trying to bite back the sarcasm. No he just thought it would be fun to have a consultant stick needles in his spine for no reason. Then wanting to scream at her to read his notes.

Are you here under medical insurance? Oh good heavens read the information in his file. Yes. I try to take the bite out of my response. Right so we will arrange a physio appointment. That wasn’t part of the approved treatment plan from the insurers. Call them I’m sure it will be fine if not it’s not that expensive… rude darling to assume we can afford it. So I hit back. Don’t bother booking us an appointment with the gentleman as he is useless. I didn’t have to say anymore. Oh OK. That alone told me lots.

She then stands beside me and reads me the information in the suggested exercises. It wasn’t quite finger under the words as she read but not far from it. Get him on the floor. I was having Deja-vu. These are the same exercises he has been given after every back procedure. I just let her talk, then she went off to book an appointment. One that we will cancel. She comes back and starts telling him what he can and can’t do.

Finally she leaves and husband say he needs the toilet. Not a nurse in sight. I go and find one. She stands and watches him get himself upright. I’m there helping him up and she doesn’t seem bothered. He walks to the toilet and comes back. OK you can get dressed. She leaves. Then another nurse appears and starts telling him what he can and can’t do. She tells us the information for his follow up appointment, all while I am helping him get dressed.

By this time my head is spinning. My information retention is usually pretty good but I have been given options for physio appointments and now I am questioning what is what. I know the follow up is in October and I know it is in the evening but that is the only information I retained. Another nurse appears with his discharge paperwork and tells us different time scales for recovery, rest periods after and suggestions for what he should do. To say I was confused would be an understatement. They were all reading from different pages.

All this took less than an hour from when he was back in his room. I have never felt so rushed before. How a patient could take all that information in I have no idea. My husband said he gave up listening. I failed miserably. Mind you there were a few different versions. I think we will listen to his body and I will make some calls when things have settled down. Ex

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Being hit by emotion

Do you ever get hit by a wave of emotion when you least expect it? That emotion is caused by something so innocuous and that in itself is surprising. But when it hits two of you at the same time… well that is a lot to deal with. Let me explain.

Over the last couple of months we have been clearing out my family home as my dad has finally decide to sell it. Due to space constraints in our home I never really moved many things out of my room when I got married. Clearing it out always got pushed down the list. All the while hoping we would eventually get a house then my things would finally move in too.

The main things had been boxed up and put into storage on a recent visit and my sister and I were back there emptying all the folders containing college work and bagging up the rubbish. The two of us were sat on my bed when I stumbled across a large brown envelope addressed to our mother. I pulled out the contents and… wham… the tears started. It was the care notes from her final days, Why they were in my room I don’t know.

Sniffing and apologising I looked over at my sister and she was doing exactly the same thing. That set me off more. Neither of us had even read the notes, it was just knowing what they were. Its not like this was a recent event. Mum passed over two decades ago. We both chuckled, sniffed, rubbed our eyes, got our emotion under control and in the very British way said ‘how stupid.’ Then got back to the task at hand.

Those notes got put on the book case for a little while as I felt guilty about putting them out for shredding/recycling. It took a deep breath and my big girl pants to empty the folder and throw them out. Mum wouldn’t have wanted us to keep them and I had no intention of reading them.

being hit by emotion when you least expect it.

The last things I was bagging up were some old clothes that had been found in the spare room wardrobe and my dinner and dance dress. I have not seen that dress in over thirty years. Wham… emotion explosion number two. Why? Mum made that dress for me. I can remember so clearly her cursing me for losing weight and her needing to take it in for the third time. I hugged that dress and looked at my sister who nodded in understanding with tears in her eyes.

As I sat here typing this up another ripple of emotion has washed over me and a few tears have escaped. That dress is now in storage on top of the box containing my wedding dress. It won’t get worn again (it won’t fit) but I’m not ready to let it go. Is it stupid? Possibly. Probably. It is the only tangible thing I have that my mum made. So yes the emotion which is attached is strong.

I have one more trip to make back to my family home. The last few boxes which need to be stored. Am I expecting another wave of emotion? I’m not sure. It felt strange seeing a for sale board outside. Thinking about it I don’t think I am. For one simple reason and some people will think that it is a harsh thing I am about to say but the heart of that house has been missing for a very long time. The family have gone their own ways. It’s no longer home. That is inside us wherever we are. Ex

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Its been a write off

Recently I have found it hard to write posts. Having written so many and scheduling them when I had the inspiration has been a blessing. So why has this happened? We have had appointments. Procedures. I’ve been taught to administer new medication via injection. I’m still working on my novels so its not like I have writers block.

I have sat and pondered. Tried to write a bit, then deleted it. My conclusion? I wasn’t going to be writing anything useful or interesting. Honestly I think outside factors were making me very flat and frustrated. Sure our usual hurdles were just as prevalent but they were being overshadowed by other areas of my life and you didn’t need me droning on. You have enough of your own problems.

The weather hasn’t been very inspirational. Such a British comment but I’ll own it. The wind and rain, although greatly needed, (the rain that is) does not make you want to write or wax lyrical about issues and put a positive spin on them. The weather has been causing havoc at the allotment. Potted trees have taken nose dives. Other peoples netting has been blown off. Newly planted saplings have been flatted. Then the recent extreme heat since this was typed. Its been brutal. Yet that is life.

Needing inspiration to write - looking for it at the allotment

So why am I now back at the keyboard. Something really silly. One of the big media platforms had an outage and I was scrolling through my phone looking for my password. Yes I know, it shouldn’t be on there. It took me a while to find it but I’m at that age things need to be written down. There on my note list was a blog idea I had forgotten about.

Now I did not go off and write that straight away, simply because it needed some consideration. But that prompt ‘dinner with famous people’ somehow made something in me click and I wanted to write. No idea why. It’s not like that subject has any reflection on health matters unless one of your dinner guests made a massive contribution to medical research. I should point out that blog could be a while in the making as I still don’t know who I would want at my table.

Have you ever found inspiration or motivation in a place you least expected it? A lot of the time I try and plod through things. Like you are wading knee deep in mud, hoping you don’t lose a boot. You make it through and then you face the other things that need your attention. I’ve had a conversation with someone in passing that made me have a light bulb moment. Some people have suggested things that have sparked the passion. Others have done nothing more that threaten to boot me up the butt.

So where ever you find that motivation run with it while it is there because we all have times when its hard to do the things we want to do, or at least do them with enthusiasm. Life is too short to do things without at least the occasion smile on your face and skip in your step (OK the skip might not actually be visible). The things we need to do should not always feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders.

Wow that got a little deeper than I expected. Sorry, well actually no I’m not. Sometimes these things need to be voiced or in my case I need to write them. So if things are hard right now I hope inspiration comes your way soon. Like me you might find it when looking for something else. Now I am off to write some more. You have been warned. Ex

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Oops here is book two

So I’ve done it again. There is another book out there. This is the second in what I have called my ‘Just Me’ series. If you had asked me at the start of my writing journey about my book subjects this would not have even been a maybe on the the list. It was a suggestion that wouldn’t stop nagging me. It grew legs and ran on a journey to a destination that I was not expecting.

This one was easy to write. A journey back over certain parts of my life, the people who I have met and some events that made me laugh and roll my eyes in equal measure. Yes it was fun to reminisce and maybe I had rose tinted glasses at times but it also made me question a lot of things. Life, society and my own sanity and choices.

Some of the subjects might feel a little deep but it’s not intended to be. My editor commented it was like I was sat in the pub telling stories. I’ll take that. Hopefully it will come across like book one: with humour even if at times it is dark. Sadly there is nothing to learn from reading it. Sorry.

Getting the book finished was easy but once I had my proof in my hand I hit a wall of doubt. I considered pulling its publication. Things that have been said on other sites from authors. Recommendations for writing got me worried. When I read, I do it to escape. Just for the joy of it. I have found errors in books. Would I run straight to the author and tell them? No. If I didn’t like it I wouldn’t slate them online. We all have different tastes.

Book two - rats, stalkers & construction workers

Sadly people do that and they can be vicious, all from the safety of their laptop. Rip apart something that people have poured their heart and soul into, just because they don’t like it. So what, give the book away. Don’t finish it. Mention it in passing to your reading buddies but don’t be cruel online.

This book is based on my memories and experiences. Sure, they may be hazy after the time that has flown by. There are no names, not many places actually mentioned. A few people will recognise themselves and I am fully expecting their recollections to be different. Why? Simply as every story has two side. There is no malice in my tales. Just observations. questions and what ifs. Memories don’t always match. I get that when I reminisce with those closet to me.

So I ask if you read this book and you think I got it wrong, don’t slate me. Don’t message me and ask me to change it. This is my story written as my grey cells have stored it. It is done so move on. If it makes you smile and hopefully laugh then you were either part of the madness of that part of my life or you know me well enough to picture me living it.

Now I am at a writing crossroads. There are more books waiting to be published but which path do I take. There is another in this series with one more begging to be written. If I take the other road then I fear the wall of doubt will be even worse. As this book shows your actions can have a massive ripple effect. So keep that in mind or you might miss out on more ramblings from the madness of my mind. Do you want to risk it? Maybe you should. Ex

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Some days are hard

Some days are hard, this is one of those days. I’ll admit I cried myself to sleep last night. That hard crying that rocks your whole body. Waking a couple of hours later to start the process again, this time sleep evading me until it was time to get up. So today is going to be brutal but here I am at the day job. Showing up and doing what is expected of me when it is the last place I want to be.

It’s not my lot that has me upset. I can deal with the problems, complications, appointments and such that goes with my husbands health and how that affects our life. Some of those situations can get me down but not like this. Although he apologised when I was sobbing last night for all the extra pressure he has brought to my life. That made me feel worse as it was not his fault.

There are two people in my life that buzz around like that annoying mosquito. One has been quiet for a while (not that I expect that to last) but the other one has found a way to buzz in stereo. It wants me to dance to its tune and it wants it now. I swatted it away but I know it is about to divebomb me and that bite will itch for days.

After the call, whilst in the middle of my dinner I might add, which didn’t get finished (it killed my appetite) I sat back and mentally scrolled the list of things I have to, need to and want to do. Again something has to give. More hard decisions have to be made. The main thing is I need to find some time. I could ask my boss to go part-time. He won’t be happy as we are busy and this is the time of year when all the big bills appear, car insurance, tax and this year a large medical excess is heading our way. It would be hard and require a lot of cutting back.

Then I look at the easier options. All the things I want. In that my light dims a little more. I’ve already closed one avenue down as it wasn’t working. Now I am facing the hard decision of maybe I need to face up to that fact that I can’t have what I want. Perhaps it’s not meant to be. I can hear people saying, putting on hold and come back to it when you have more time. Reality is there will always be something that demands that time. That is the hard truth.

For now I am going to doing some hard thinking. Study this problem from every angle. Decisions will need to be made before renewals are due to be paid and publication dates are actually here. So if I go quiet you know why. There are a few copies of the new book left in my possession so if you want one let me know as there may not be anymore.

In all this hard contemplation I will keep looking at a message I received from an old friend. Ten words that have lifted me up a lot recently, not that he knows that. One thing I wish people would realise is that what you see or perceive is going on in someone’s life could be so far from the truth. You have no right to make demands on their time and look at the bigger picture. Just because it is your priority you don’t get to make it everyone else’s. Ex

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Been There, Done That

Hindsight is a great thing don’t you think? That moment of clarity when you realise you have been there, done that and come through the other side. You can see the signs. Those behaviours, that at the time ,you were living but didn’t see. The nose in front of your face if you will. That when you see it in others you ponder how to help. If in deed you can.

As I have said previously that I feel that I have grown a lot as a person this last year. Some of that I’m sure is the been there, done that mindset. Being able to learn from those situations. Also finding the ability to take a step back and realise that, in the grand scheme of things, not everything, that in the heat of the moment, is actually that earth shatteringly important. Funny how life throws hurdles your way that makes you re-evaluate everything. Giving you a different perspective. Parkinson’s has certainly been one of them. Maybe mix that a little with age.

This blog has been so eye opening for me. Taking that time to reflect and be openly honest about me, my feelings, the things that scare the crap out of me, all from the safety of my laptop. Things that, face to face, I wouldn’t be able to put into words. Not even want to address. Again for those that have been with me on this journey; thank you. I do think without this therapy I wouldn’t be able to deal with things as well as I find I can these days. It’s not perfect but certainly a lot better. This my lot and I have to make the most of it.

Been there, done that

So when you see someone in that place, struggling with their lot, can you actually give them the benefit of your been there revelations? I’m not sure that you can. That is sad. However I’m a realist. Would I have listened? Maybe, but not necessarily with both ears. I don’t think you can move on, I guess, until you want to. You need to have reached that point when you know, deep down, something has to change. You are ready to work on making it change. Do something to help yourself.

Are you more aware of the signs when you have lived it? The constant sighing. The repeating of depressive phrases. The moaning about not seeing anything good to look forward too. I want to apologise for all the times I did that. I’m profoundly sorry. I’ll admit I still sigh a lot but now I think that is more out of exasperation of other peoples stupid behaviour. Sadly it’s more often than I’d like.

You also then have to throw hormones into the female mix. That period of our lives when mother nature is really not playing nice. When up is down and we have no idea where we are in that equation. We need to empower ourselves, research and see what works for us because if we don’t no one else will help. Trial and error. Been there and done that, and this worked for me has never been more relevant.

I guess I used to be the no, not for me person. It’s different. That’s not what I’m saying. Chalk is cheese female. Now I still have my strong views but I’m finding myself more willing to listen to suggestions. That, this might work for you, look into it comment. Please do not tell me I have to do something. That still will not work. My stubborn DNA has not vanished. However if you can offer a word or two of wisdom, I’ll take it.

Going forward being supportive is all you can do. Repeat your been there, done that revelations in a nice way and keep your fingers crossed. I’m not saying that you have to do it indefinitely. At the end of the day, you have to put yourself first, when things get tough. Maybe, like me, they’ll find a way through to the other side in unexpected ways. My goodness, in that sense, I have been lucky. E x

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Toxic Traits

Over the last few years I have tried to cut the toxic situations and people from my life mostly to preserve my own sanity and mental health. Life is hard enough without dealing with behaviour that serves no other purpose than to stir trouble and cause pain. I don’t need it. I won’t stand for it. I think I can honestly say it has had the desired effect. My stress levels have been greatly reduced. The need to rant has not been so great and I am not wanting to mentally slap people as much. So all in all a massive win for me.

In a perfect world you could have complete control over all of these people and situations but we all know this world is far from perfect. Recently one person has reared their head and it has been a nightmare. At this moment I am not able to banish them or their behaviour from my life, as much as I would love to. What has made it even harder is seeing how others are being affected.

Sadly the situation is on going and will be for some time. Usually I am sat on the sidelines watching with my bowl of popcorn, rolling my eyes and sighing. This time I am being forced onto the field of play and I can’t be substituted. Regrettably I am a key player in this chapter. The vulture is circling the carcass but the poor carcass isn’t dead.

The vultures resting in a tree. Toxic

So I am being forced to deal with selfishness, greed, childishness and lies. All toxic traits that are unpleasant and extremely distasteful. Years ago I would slip into confrontation mode and scream it out but age and a dash of wisdom (who would have thought it) has made me realise I’ll not win that way. Not that I actually think it is a battle I can win. To do that I would have to become more toxic than the main player and I don’t want to sink that low. I’m not saying I couldn’t but I don’t want to.

In that ideal world, what is happening now we should be able to deal with like the adults we all are. With honest, open dialogue, things could be discussed and dealt with: plans made. Fair outcomes achieved. But instead we have back stabbing, devious behaviour and a lot of emotional pain being caused to someone who, well shouldn’t have to deal with this. It’s so sad.

I have to say it has made me question my relationship with this person again and it pains me to say that it is now beyond repair. I’ve cried, I’ve tried to figure it out but there is nothing left. I am drained beyond belief. There are enough situations in my life to deal with. People that need my time, my love, my support, my energy and I can not allow that toxic cloud to distract me or make me ill.

Once this chapter is over, it will be the final one. The book will be closed. There will be no going back. I know there will be people out there that will try and fix it. One has asked that of me recently but I have nothing left in me to give, because to get a temporary fix I would have to give even more than I have already. I can’t and more importantly I won’t.

I hope you never find yourself in this place. I assure you it is not nice. Yet if you do, put yourself first. Take the time to consider what is right for you and look at the bigger picture and past behaviours. Toxic traits never change, no matter how much we want them too. E x

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Talking Therapy

How do you feel about talking therapy? Me I am going to hands down say it’s not for me. The idea of sitting about in a group telling a bunch of strangers the things that are weighing me down is so far outside my comfort zone. In my head I can hear the comments. ‘No one is there to judge.’ ‘A problem shared…’ ‘We are all in the same boat.’ If you are happy doing that good. Like I have said previously there is no right way and you have to do what is right for you.

I bet there are those of you who will roll your eyes and say ‘oh she doesn’t like talking but puts all her thoughts in a book.’ Yep – guilty as charged. I can edit. I can let it all out and hit delete. When I stumble putting my thoughts into words no one will notice or take what I am trying to say the wrong way. Lets face it these days we know how easy it is to offend.

Talking about my frustrations with people who are in the same boat also feels a little mean. They are suffering too so I don’t want to lay my problems on their shoulders, they have enough of their own. Please don’t say that you should leave the issues at the door because that is not me. I’ll shove those suckers in a massive sack and throw it over my shoulder and take it home. That is just who I am.

Another thing that doesn’t work for me is scheduling when I get to sit around talking about my problems. Hello people if I don’t share to those nearest and dearest I’m not going to talk on demand. The talking only happens when I am at the point I have to unload. The chances of that happening that exact moment someone tells me it is my time to talk is slim to non-existent.

A relaxing river is a perfect place to sit talking

The groups where people touch base and call you to make sure you are doing OK are never going to coincide with that moment when you are desperate for someone to sit and listen. I’ve had those calls. ‘Just checking in to see how things are.’ Always when I am having a good day and I’m not going to start talking about the problems and make it not a good day.

I know they tell you to make notes. Notes that when I read them back I think. Yeah that was relevant then but now…maybe not so much. That really got my goat that day but do you know what its not that important. I’ve dealt with it so no point rehashing it. That was a bad day made worse by this person or that situation and its not relevant to my problems. There are so many variables.

In no way am I saying that there should be no talking going on. There has to be some or that pressure cooker of feelings, frustrations and emotions is going to explode and cause an almighty mess. You just need to figure out what works best. A quick call to your bestie. Maybe a online messaging session with a friend where you can reply when its convenient. I’ll even say if you want to have a talk with yourself go for it I am not here to judge.

Talking is only beneficial if it helps, not adds pressure. Some people may need to be coerced into talking. Me I have to feel comfortable and want to. Also the person I am talking to needs to make me feel like they care, not just listening because they are being paid to. So if you want to unload, I’m at the the end of a message. You are not alone Ex

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Feeling flat

This was not a sensation I was expecting. Feeling flat sucks. If you are reading this then it is one of my posts that is raw, open and honest. Some don’t make it; they are deleted because nothing can be gained by me hitting publish. Others I hope I can grow from and find my own answer in what I have written.

As I am sat typing this I am a week away from being a published author. I have a box of books beside my armchair ready to sign and dispatch for any people that want signed copies. Yet I feel empty. Certainly feeling flat. It didn’t cross my mind that I could feel like this. I’ve taking a massive step in chasing my dream so why am I feeling this way?

All the research and stories I read on my way to publishing my book said that holding your book for the first time would be emotional. Me…nothing. Was I feeling flat because I was home alone when it arrived and there was no one to share that moment with? I know I wasn’t completely happy with the cover design once I saw it. But with the help of my bestie I tweaked it and was much happier. So I’d be better when I got the new copy…

Nope. Yeah I was pleased with the new design but the book sat on my desk and I was expecting some surge of pride. Some flicker of something: anything. Still just feeling flat. Is there something wrong with me? My bestie is so excited for me and when I spoke to her I couldn’t help but smile. Well as I admitted to her: it was all her fault. If she hadn’t messaged me about my post about asking if I should chase my dream I wouldn’t have tried.

I am supposed to be shouting to anyone who will listen how great my book is, but if I am feeling flat how on earth am I supposed to promote it? It would feel fake. I joined some online groups for new authors. Then asked myself why. I sat there reading posts and the responses, wondering what is wrong with people today. Half the people are selling their services saying they can make their books fly off the shelves. I am a tad cynical about those claims.

Feeling flat even though you have done something you should be proud of

Then there is the other half who are picking holes in the person who has shared their work looking for a little bit of encouragement. They don’t get that. Instead they are bombarded with replies telling them how they have got it all wrong. The cover design is poor. The blurb is not captivating. The fonts are all wrong. I am all for constructive criticism but there is none of that to been seen. Why?

Can you not just say well done on getting that far and then offer one or two suggestions for improvements. Are they putting that person down in the hopes of them giving up. With that person no longer on the scene their odds are marginally better? That is sad. That is wrong. Is that why I am feeling flat? Because most people want to belittle your achievements? If I did that would it make me feel better?

There are people in my life who are yet to find out what I have done. Sadly I am expecting reactions like those on the support group. There is a phrase that is banded about with authors: imposter syndrome. Perhaps I am not feeling flat. Perhaps I am feeling like a fraud. Well what ever it is; it’s not nice. I have yet to find the answer but I will keep looking. Ex