This was not a sensation I was expecting. Feeling flat sucks. If you are reading this then it is one of my posts that is raw, open and honest. Some don’t make it; they are deleted because nothing can be gained by me hitting publish. Others I hope I can grow from and find my own answer in what I have written.
As I am sat typing this I am a week away from being a published author. I have a box of books beside my armchair ready to sign and dispatch for any people that want signed copies. Yet I feel empty. Certainly feeling flat. It didn’t cross my mind that I could feel like this. I’ve taking a massive step in chasing my dream so why am I feeling this way?
All the research and stories I read on my way to publishing my book said that holding your book for the first time would be emotional. Me…nothing. Was I feeling flat because I was home alone when it arrived and there was no one to share that moment with? I know I wasn’t completely happy with the cover design once I saw it. But with the help of my bestie I tweaked it and was much happier. So I’d be better when I got the new copy…
Nope. Yeah I was pleased with the new design but the book sat on my desk and I was expecting some surge of pride. Some flicker of something: anything. Still just feeling flat. Is there something wrong with me? My bestie is so excited for me and when I spoke to her I couldn’t help but smile. Well as I admitted to her: it was all her fault. If she hadn’t messaged me about my post about asking if I should chase my dream I wouldn’t have tried.
I am supposed to be shouting to anyone who will listen how great my book is, but if I am feeling flat how on earth am I supposed to promote it? It would feel fake. I joined some online groups for new authors. Then asked myself why. I sat there reading posts and the responses, wondering what is wrong with people today. Half the people are selling their services saying they can make their books fly off the shelves. I am a tad cynical about those claims.
Then there is the other half who are picking holes in the person who has shared their work looking for a little bit of encouragement. They don’t get that. Instead they are bombarded with replies telling them how they have got it all wrong. The cover design is poor. The blurb is not captivating. The fonts are all wrong. I am all for constructive criticism but there is none of that to been seen. Why?
Can you not just say well done on getting that far and then offer one or two suggestions for improvements. Are they putting that person down in the hopes of them giving up. With that person no longer on the scene their odds are marginally better? That is sad. That is wrong. Is that why I am feeling flat? Because most people want to belittle your achievements? If I did that would it make me feel better?
There are people in my life who are yet to find out what I have done. Sadly I am expecting reactions like those on the support group. There is a phrase that is banded about with authors: imposter syndrome. Perhaps I am not feeling flat. Perhaps I am feeling like a fraud. Well what ever it is; it’s not nice. I have yet to find the answer but I will keep looking. Ex