Tag: chasing the dream

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Oops here is book two

So I’ve done it again. There is another book out there. This is the second in what I have called my ‘Just Me’ series. If you had asked me at the start of my writing journey about my book subjects this would not have even been a maybe on the the list. It was a suggestion that wouldn’t stop nagging me. It grew legs and ran on a journey to a destination that I was not expecting.

This one was easy to write. A journey back over certain parts of my life, the people who I have met and some events that made me laugh and roll my eyes in equal measure. Yes it was fun to reminisce and maybe I had rose tinted glasses at times but it also made me question a lot of things. Life, society and my own sanity and choices.

Some of the subjects might feel a little deep but it’s not intended to be. My editor commented it was like I was sat in the pub telling stories. I’ll take that. Hopefully it will come across like book one: with humour even if at times it is dark. Sadly there is nothing to learn from reading it. Sorry.

Getting the book finished was easy but once I had my proof in my hand I hit a wall of doubt. I considered pulling its publication. Things that have been said on other sites from authors. Recommendations for writing got me worried. When I read, I do it to escape. Just for the joy of it. I have found errors in books. Would I run straight to the author and tell them? No. If I didn’t like it I wouldn’t slate them online. We all have different tastes.

Book two - rats, stalkers & construction workers

Sadly people do that and they can be vicious, all from the safety of their laptop. Rip apart something that people have poured their heart and soul into, just because they don’t like it. So what, give the book away. Don’t finish it. Mention it in passing to your reading buddies but don’t be cruel online.

This book is based on my memories and experiences. Sure, they may be hazy after the time that has flown by. There are no names, not many places actually mentioned. A few people will recognise themselves and I am fully expecting their recollections to be different. Why? Simply as every story has two side. There is no malice in my tales. Just observations. questions and what ifs. Memories don’t always match. I get that when I reminisce with those closet to me.

So I ask if you read this book and you think I got it wrong, don’t slate me. Don’t message me and ask me to change it. This is my story written as my grey cells have stored it. It is done so move on. If it makes you smile and hopefully laugh then you were either part of the madness of that part of my life or you know me well enough to picture me living it.

Now I am at a writing crossroads. There are more books waiting to be published but which path do I take. There is another in this series with one more begging to be written. If I take the other road then I fear the wall of doubt will be even worse. As this book shows your actions can have a massive ripple effect. So keep that in mind or you might miss out on more ramblings from the madness of my mind. Do you want to risk it? Maybe you should. Ex

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Feeling flat

This was not a sensation I was expecting. Feeling flat sucks. If you are reading this then it is one of my posts that is raw, open and honest. Some don’t make it; they are deleted because nothing can be gained by me hitting publish. Others I hope I can grow from and find my own answer in what I have written.

As I am sat typing this I am a week away from being a published author. I have a box of books beside my armchair ready to sign and dispatch for any people that want signed copies. Yet I feel empty. Certainly feeling flat. It didn’t cross my mind that I could feel like this. I’ve taking a massive step in chasing my dream so why am I feeling this way?

All the research and stories I read on my way to publishing my book said that holding your book for the first time would be emotional. Me…nothing. Was I feeling flat because I was home alone when it arrived and there was no one to share that moment with? I know I wasn’t completely happy with the cover design once I saw it. But with the help of my bestie I tweaked it and was much happier. So I’d be better when I got the new copy…

Nope. Yeah I was pleased with the new design but the book sat on my desk and I was expecting some surge of pride. Some flicker of something: anything. Still just feeling flat. Is there something wrong with me? My bestie is so excited for me and when I spoke to her I couldn’t help but smile. Well as I admitted to her: it was all her fault. If she hadn’t messaged me about my post about asking if I should chase my dream I wouldn’t have tried.

I am supposed to be shouting to anyone who will listen how great my book is, but if I am feeling flat how on earth am I supposed to promote it? It would feel fake. I joined some online groups for new authors. Then asked myself why. I sat there reading posts and the responses, wondering what is wrong with people today. Half the people are selling their services saying they can make their books fly off the shelves. I am a tad cynical about those claims.

Feeling flat even though you have done something you should be proud of

Then there is the other half who are picking holes in the person who has shared their work looking for a little bit of encouragement. They don’t get that. Instead they are bombarded with replies telling them how they have got it all wrong. The cover design is poor. The blurb is not captivating. The fonts are all wrong. I am all for constructive criticism but there is none of that to been seen. Why?

Can you not just say well done on getting that far and then offer one or two suggestions for improvements. Are they putting that person down in the hopes of them giving up. With that person no longer on the scene their odds are marginally better? That is sad. That is wrong. Is that why I am feeling flat? Because most people want to belittle your achievements? If I did that would it make me feel better?

There are people in my life who are yet to find out what I have done. Sadly I am expecting reactions like those on the support group. There is a phrase that is banded about with authors: imposter syndrome. Perhaps I am not feeling flat. Perhaps I am feeling like a fraud. Well what ever it is; it’s not nice. I have yet to find the answer but I will keep looking. Ex

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I did it!

No I am not admitting to some terrible crime. I am celebrating. I did it! I published a book. This girl chased her dream and I did it. Excuse me while I take a moment, pat myself on my back and feel a little proud. It’s has been a wild ride for sure but as I sit here right now it has been worth every tear, moment of self doubt and sleepless night!

Don’t get me wrong it has been a hard slog at times. A massive learning curve too but it was worth it. The actual writing of the book wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. The journey to get it published was a lot more complexed than I’d expected, not that I thought it would be plain sailing. There has been new software to get to grips with, formatting styles to learn. Not to mention more rereads of the initial manuscript than was planned.

There were moments when I nearly quit. Getting the notes and suggestions back from my editor was just as I’d expected. It felt like someone taking a red pen to my homework. It stung but it was a necessary all be it painful process. She showed me the habits that I have when writing, the improvements required to how I form my sentences but her parting comment that it was a good first book was a soothing balm to the dented ego.

As this post sees the light of day she is about to edit my second book. I’m hoping that I have learnt from her notes and the red marks will be less this time round. It has certainly changed the way I write. I hope it means that I am a better writer for her input.

The fact that I did it doesn’t mean the work is done. Now the really hard work starts. Promotion and marketing. That blow your trumpet requirement to try and recoup some of the costs to getting to this point. Trust me as dreams go this is not a cheap one to have. But it’s not all about the cost. It’s about proving I could and I did it.

I did it

This is the part that I suck at. I will admit that. Telling people hey you need to read this. I did it and you should buy it. Let’s face it pennies are tight. People haven’t got the spare cash. Getting rich from this is not likely to be in my future but that really wasn’t the reason behind me chasing the dream.

Juggling balls while riding a unicycle was inspired by this blog and is the first is my Just Me series. A series was never the plan when I started but I am going to go where the writing is leading me. You can get it from the usual online shop and hopefully I will be able to get it into a few local stores too. Or you can get it direct from my website where you can get a signed copy. It was suggested people might like that option.

Now I am going to take a little time to let it sink in. I did it. If I do nothing else in life, a book that I have written is out there for the world to see if they care to. So I will sign off and say if I can do it, so can you. It’s never too late to chase that dream. And finally to you people that have been holding my hand through this. Thank you. I did it and I couldn’t have done it with out you. I love ya E x

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Avoidance Mode

Today has been a productive writing day. I have tweaked draft blog posts. Had inspiration for quite a few new ones. I am so well organised that I have had to change the scheduling of some of them. I swear the order will get changed again as more get written. I have been over the ones I have. Only the odd change. As I have said previously some of these posts get written weeks in advance. As I type this I am actually good for three whole months. I have to blog when the subjects come to mind. Some can be held for when the inspiration runs dry.

I do think I am also in avoidance mode. My knitting needles are not seeing the light of day and they really should be. The stock is no where to the level it should be ready for the winter sales. That is where my income comes from to cover my costs for the year so I really need to get motivated. The gloves and hats are not going to knit themselves as for my husband…. nope he is no help there let me assure you.

My big writing project. What can I say? In a previous post I said that I had been given a curve ball and I was worried about the cost. How much I would need to lay out to chase that dream. Husband took me shopping and a new laptop ended up coming home. It was more than I was intending to spend. He didn’t care. You have worked hard on this. I want you to do it. See it through to the end. He has no idea that he made me cry. He is usually quietly supportive but this time he was pushing me. The curve ball for the moment has been caught and is not currently at play. That is certainly one less thing to worry about: for how long I don’t know.

The laptop came to work and I worked away on it during my lunch for a week. It went to the allotment with me. Not that I got much done. That baby is big writing project only. This is being typed on my husbands laptop: well the one his business brought me to do his admin. I often work sat on our bed, which is where I am now. The new one is sat beside me. Probably feeling a little neglected, it got flicked on this morning and it hasn’t had much use. I am suddenly reluctant to … give the story legs. To breath life into it.

Why? The first novel I have yet to revisit I have added a little story I had forgotten. I nearly picked it up earlier but inspiration for a blog came to mind. I had decided to focus on the romance but it was harder: that is no bad thing. Having to work at it. It didn’t flow. It was a completely different style to the first book. I was doubting it. I found myself saving the first chapter and without warning sending it to my online friend. She loved it. Ok its not tat then. She is expecting a chapter or two more when she is back from her holidays. I know where I want the story to go so that isn’t the problem. So why am I avoiding it?

I have a list of questions that I feel I need to have answers for before I can truly run with it all. The whole publishing dream. For this endeavour I know I need to have those right before. The cost to change my mind after is too great. I have set myself one deadline. Ideally by that point I need to have answered most of my question. I don’t need to have actioned all of them but decisions need to have been made. One requires me to ask advice from someone via work. Lets hope he doesn’t become Larry loose lips.

Honestly I think the real reason I am suddenly hesitant is I don’t want to disappoint my husband. To fail him. That vocal faith he has voiced in this dream. In my heart I know that as long as I give it my best shot he will be proud. For me that isn’t enough. This feels like an exam. I’ve never failed one yet. I don’t want to start now. Ex

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Head over Heart

So many hard decisions. Is it too much to want life not to throw so many at once. I mean come on, cut me some slack here. My mind can only cope with so many what if scenarios at one time. I am not a look at the situation and run with it person. Hubby is the laid back, take it in his stride party … me I want to look at it from all angles. Even if it means making some up. So here we are with some big decisions to make. Some of those we can’t yet as they are in the hands of others but it doesn’t stop me second guessing.

Then I get possible curve ball situation that I am told not to worry about. Yeah thanks for that. I would have preferred ignorance with that right now. Why do I need to stress myself out on things that don’t need me to … just yet anyway? I wish I knew. Yes I hear you break it down and deal with what you can control at this moment. I can do this. Step back. Deep breath. One step at a time.

So what can I deliberate at this moment? My other writing project. I’ve done my research. I made one decision and brought a book to help me figure out the processes that I would need to take for it to see the light of day. Oh man I learnt a lot. There was so many things that I hadn’t considered. I guess once I got into the process I would have but would I have cut a few corners? Possibly. So now I have more things to decide before I can take the plunge. But….. yeah wait for it as we all know there is always a but.

Cost! As with all things there is a price tag. This is an occasion where I am going to have to ask myself can I put the money where my mouth is? Can I justify the outlay for what is likely to be no return. I need to manage the ideal dream to the likely reality. I can hear the voices telling me what to do. No I am not crazy. I mean I can hear the other side of the conversations I would have with the people who have been behind me on this dream. That I deserve to do this. I never treat myself and I can’t know the return will be nothing: I need more faith in myself.

For me it comes back to the difference between want and need. I want to do this but do I need to do it? I think today they have become too blurred. People can confuse the two to justify their actions. For me they are very clear cut. I may desperately want to see this project to completion but do I need it? Sure if it is a success it could change my life but (yes there goes another one) if I fall flat on my face its a chunk of money wasted. If the returns are good the curveball may be easier to deal with. I may even be able to take a bat to it.

Can I just be happy knowing that I have written a book? I mean that what it boils down to isn’t it? It’s written. Does it need to see the light of day? I’ve proved that to myself. It was even easier that I thought it was going to be to get it done. It actually didn’t give me as many sleepless nights as I was expecting. Husband will back me whatever I decide. He just wants me to be happy.

The sensible side of me always wins over the things my heart wants. I fear this will be no different. However just for once is it ok for me to be selfish? Do something that is just for me? So for now I will work on taking this forward until I need to start to outlay funds and by then hopefully I will be able to make a decision. While I wrestle with this I hope that where ever you are at this moment; you are nailing it. I know you can. I just need to find that belief in myself Ex