Tag: focusing on the good

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Being hit by emotion

Do you ever get hit by a wave of emotion when you least expect it? That emotion is caused by something so innocuous and that in itself is surprising. But when it hits two of you at the same time… well that is a lot to deal with. Let me explain.

Over the last couple of months we have been clearing out my family home as my dad has finally decide to sell it. Due to space constraints in our home I never really moved many things out of my room when I got married. Clearing it out always got pushed down the list. All the while hoping we would eventually get a house then my things would finally move in too.

The main things had been boxed up and put into storage on a recent visit and my sister and I were back there emptying all the folders containing college work and bagging up the rubbish. The two of us were sat on my bed when I stumbled across a large brown envelope addressed to our mother. I pulled out the contents and… wham… the tears started. It was the care notes from her final days, Why they were in my room I don’t know.

Sniffing and apologising I looked over at my sister and she was doing exactly the same thing. That set me off more. Neither of us had even read the notes, it was just knowing what they were. Its not like this was a recent event. Mum passed over two decades ago. We both chuckled, sniffed, rubbed our eyes, got our emotion under control and in the very British way said ‘how stupid.’ Then got back to the task at hand.

Those notes got put on the book case for a little while as I felt guilty about putting them out for shredding/recycling. It took a deep breath and my big girl pants to empty the folder and throw them out. Mum wouldn’t have wanted us to keep them and I had no intention of reading them.

being hit by emotion when you least expect it.

The last things I was bagging up were some old clothes that had been found in the spare room wardrobe and my dinner and dance dress. I have not seen that dress in over thirty years. Wham… emotion explosion number two. Why? Mum made that dress for me. I can remember so clearly her cursing me for losing weight and her needing to take it in for the third time. I hugged that dress and looked at my sister who nodded in understanding with tears in her eyes.

As I sat here typing this up another ripple of emotion has washed over me and a few tears have escaped. That dress is now in storage on top of the box containing my wedding dress. It won’t get worn again (it won’t fit) but I’m not ready to let it go. Is it stupid? Possibly. Probably. It is the only tangible thing I have that my mum made. So yes the emotion which is attached is strong.

I have one more trip to make back to my family home. The last few boxes which need to be stored. Am I expecting another wave of emotion? I’m not sure. It felt strange seeing a for sale board outside. Thinking about it I don’t think I am. For one simple reason and some people will think that it is a harsh thing I am about to say but the heart of that house has been missing for a very long time. The family have gone their own ways. It’s no longer home. That is inside us wherever we are. Ex

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Its been a write off

Recently I have found it hard to write posts. Having written so many and scheduling them when I had the inspiration has been a blessing. So why has this happened? We have had appointments. Procedures. I’ve been taught to administer new medication via injection. I’m still working on my novels so its not like I have writers block.

I have sat and pondered. Tried to write a bit, then deleted it. My conclusion? I wasn’t going to be writing anything useful or interesting. Honestly I think outside factors were making me very flat and frustrated. Sure our usual hurdles were just as prevalent but they were being overshadowed by other areas of my life and you didn’t need me droning on. You have enough of your own problems.

The weather hasn’t been very inspirational. Such a British comment but I’ll own it. The wind and rain, although greatly needed, (the rain that is) does not make you want to write or wax lyrical about issues and put a positive spin on them. The weather has been causing havoc at the allotment. Potted trees have taken nose dives. Other peoples netting has been blown off. Newly planted saplings have been flatted. Then the recent extreme heat since this was typed. Its been brutal. Yet that is life.

Needing inspiration to write - looking for it at the allotment

So why am I now back at the keyboard. Something really silly. One of the big media platforms had an outage and I was scrolling through my phone looking for my password. Yes I know, it shouldn’t be on there. It took me a while to find it but I’m at that age things need to be written down. There on my note list was a blog idea I had forgotten about.

Now I did not go off and write that straight away, simply because it needed some consideration. But that prompt ‘dinner with famous people’ somehow made something in me click and I wanted to write. No idea why. It’s not like that subject has any reflection on health matters unless one of your dinner guests made a massive contribution to medical research. I should point out that blog could be a while in the making as I still don’t know who I would want at my table.

Have you ever found inspiration or motivation in a place you least expected it? A lot of the time I try and plod through things. Like you are wading knee deep in mud, hoping you don’t lose a boot. You make it through and then you face the other things that need your attention. I’ve had a conversation with someone in passing that made me have a light bulb moment. Some people have suggested things that have sparked the passion. Others have done nothing more that threaten to boot me up the butt.

So where ever you find that motivation run with it while it is there because we all have times when its hard to do the things we want to do, or at least do them with enthusiasm. Life is too short to do things without at least the occasion smile on your face and skip in your step (OK the skip might not actually be visible). The things we need to do should not always feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders.

Wow that got a little deeper than I expected. Sorry, well actually no I’m not. Sometimes these things need to be voiced or in my case I need to write them. So if things are hard right now I hope inspiration comes your way soon. Like me you might find it when looking for something else. Now I am off to write some more. You have been warned. Ex

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New Consultant

I wonder how you feel about having a new consultant? If you are in the position to choose do you stick with who you know or do you shake it up and try a new opinion. I suppose it can come down to more than one factor. Personal choice. Prior experience. Circumstances. Even simple personal interaction: do you and the consultant gel? Some times that choice is out of your hands and you have no option than to roll with it.

On the whole, me personally, I like consistency. The security and comfort of knowing who I am dealing with especially if it’s a consultant who I feel has helped us move our situation forward. It also feels like there has been an investment of time building up the relationship. Setting the foundations for the care plan, you know the long term path you are going to be on for this particular health issue.

The consultant who you have dealt with numerous times before should know your history. The allergies that can kill you. The pain relief that is more effective for you. Drugs which make you sick. Your quirks, fears and the avenues you have tried which have not been successful. All of this makes your appointments more productive and less stressful.

A new consultant to me feels like a massive step back. Well you are starting a relationship from square one. They don’t know your history. Prior surgeries. When they ask details about the prior procedure and you aren’t totally sure but the doctor that had been sat in the chair before knew exactly because he had preformed the operation.

Sure we have been in the position when appointments with one consultant felt like a constant circle of tests, new drugs then radio silence to then have to start again. In that position we were close to asking for someone new. Luckily that happened without our input and the person who took over we had seen in the clinic previously so it didn’t feel like a complete reset.

So here we were needing to start a process again. An issue that has been ongoing for numerous years was back. Two prior surgeries had seen the problem, I won’t say vanish, but be manageable. However now things were getting bad again. The last time this happened the old consultant who had carried out the last operation assured us nothing had changed but we weren’t convinced. We didn’t ask for a second opinion but found a way to manage. Now that wasn’t an option.

A GP referral and authorisation from the private medical insurance had us facing the decision. Do we stick with what we know or do we start from scratch. As it happened the option was taken from us. The old consultant wasn’t on the list of people we could see. We were given two names and one wasn’t available. Door number two it was.

We walked into the appointment, a few questions later and less than a minute of ‘can you do this.’ and the consultant sits down and says you are in a bad way we need to see what is going on in there. Wow… no barrage of questions. No detailed history. Simple observation of the patients movement, posture and wincing and we have taken a bigger step forward than I was expecting. He writes on a piece of paper. Go and book this test, then book this appointment. I want to see you back here in two weeks.

So now we have a short wait to find out what is going on. Its a little more than two weeks as we couldn’t get the scan. Here’s hoping he keeps the momentum up. Ex

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Been There, Done That

Hindsight is a great thing don’t you think? That moment of clarity when you realise you have been there, done that and come through the other side. You can see the signs. Those behaviours, that at the time ,you were living but didn’t see. The nose in front of your face if you will. That when you see it in others you ponder how to help. If in deed you can.

As I have said previously that I feel that I have grown a lot as a person this last year. Some of that I’m sure is the been there, done that mindset. Being able to learn from those situations. Also finding the ability to take a step back and realise that, in the grand scheme of things, not everything, that in the heat of the moment, is actually that earth shatteringly important. Funny how life throws hurdles your way that makes you re-evaluate everything. Giving you a different perspective. Parkinson’s has certainly been one of them. Maybe mix that a little with age.

This blog has been so eye opening for me. Taking that time to reflect and be openly honest about me, my feelings, the things that scare the crap out of me, all from the safety of my laptop. Things that, face to face, I wouldn’t be able to put into words. Not even want to address. Again for those that have been with me on this journey; thank you. I do think without this therapy I wouldn’t be able to deal with things as well as I find I can these days. It’s not perfect but certainly a lot better. This my lot and I have to make the most of it.

Been there, done that

So when you see someone in that place, struggling with their lot, can you actually give them the benefit of your been there revelations? I’m not sure that you can. That is sad. However I’m a realist. Would I have listened? Maybe, but not necessarily with both ears. I don’t think you can move on, I guess, until you want to. You need to have reached that point when you know, deep down, something has to change. You are ready to work on making it change. Do something to help yourself.

Are you more aware of the signs when you have lived it? The constant sighing. The repeating of depressive phrases. The moaning about not seeing anything good to look forward too. I want to apologise for all the times I did that. I’m profoundly sorry. I’ll admit I still sigh a lot but now I think that is more out of exasperation of other peoples stupid behaviour. Sadly it’s more often than I’d like.

You also then have to throw hormones into the female mix. That period of our lives when mother nature is really not playing nice. When up is down and we have no idea where we are in that equation. We need to empower ourselves, research and see what works for us because if we don’t no one else will help. Trial and error. Been there and done that, and this worked for me has never been more relevant.

I guess I used to be the no, not for me person. It’s different. That’s not what I’m saying. Chalk is cheese female. Now I still have my strong views but I’m finding myself more willing to listen to suggestions. That, this might work for you, look into it comment. Please do not tell me I have to do something. That still will not work. My stubborn DNA has not vanished. However if you can offer a word or two of wisdom, I’ll take it.

Going forward being supportive is all you can do. Repeat your been there, done that revelations in a nice way and keep your fingers crossed. I’m not saying that you have to do it indefinitely. At the end of the day, you have to put yourself first, when things get tough. Maybe, like me, they’ll find a way through to the other side in unexpected ways. My goodness, in that sense, I have been lucky. E x

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So tired

Man, this is getting hard. I wonder how thin someone can spread themselves. How long you can function on nothing but fumes. At what point the tired feeling overwhelms you and you just curl up, sigh and let sleep wash over you. Can it get that bad or do you find a way to struggle on?

I can’t honestly remember the last time I slept the night through. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that a uninterrupted nights sleep is now firmly relegated into my history. We’ve all been told how important a decent nights sleep is. The hints, tips and suggestions to ensure you get your eight hours, or how many you need to function. In an ideal world, but we don’t have that.

Cut back stress, don’t drink caffeine after 2pm, have screen free time before bed, stay hydrated, exercise, don’t drink or smoke… OK some of those need work but they’ve never interrupted my sleep patterns before. Apart from stress, that has always won in the keep me awake category. So why am I now so tired?

Hubby is dreaming a lot more, so that makes him fidgety. He is lashing out. Is that directly the Parkinson’s? Is it the medication? We don’t know but there is no point in asking the question as you never seem to get a straight answer. I know his stress levels affect his dreams and at the moment he is worried about tests, not the results, the actual tests. If he has restless nights, I don’t sleep well hence I am more tired.

Take the spare bed, I hear people say. Don’t have one. Sleep on the couch. Don’t have one. I’ve been known to sleep on the floor, literally, but I think those days are behind me as the last time I struggled to get moving after. I might get a full nights sleep and not be so tired but my back might be out of sorts… is it worth that? I could be out of action for weeks.

Can I hang one of these as I am so tired

Then you get the vicious circle. Things have got too much and you are tired. Can cry at the drop of a hat, tired. Life then cruelly laughs at you and throws more poop your way, daring you to buckle. You try to dodge it but trip over your own feet.

More stress means less sleep which equates to even more tired. People rear their heads. Ones that you have distanced yourself from and you are forced to deal with them. They stress you at the best of times. Now? You want to run for the hills and hide but you won’t give them the satisfaction. Hey what’s a few more sleepless nights? The bags and dark circles under your eyes are really fetching.

The reason for them reappearing also means more work for you. Even more balls to juggle. It’s alright, they are doing the heavy lifting they say. Right of course you are. My to do list has just exploded with new items. They are pushing for these things to jump to the top of the pile. I look at it with the hopes of crossing some items off to make it more manageable and less daunting. What do I pick? The things I want to do for me. Simply because …

So on I plod. Slower than normal but I deal with it, hoping that I don’t mess up and make even more work for myself. If tired wins and I fall asleep; possibly upright, I apologise for snoring. Just work around me; quietly if you would be so kind. Hopefully normal service will resume soon. Maybe after forty winks. E x

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Dream on.

Let’s talk dreams. Now I’m not talking about your aspirations and plans as much as they are important and probably very interesting. I’m talking about those dreams we have whilst asleep. We have all had the ones which have been vivid and have woken us with a start. Those that you can’t remember. I’ve had recurring ones. Ones that I can still remember from when I was young.

I mentioned previously that my husband has vivid dreams and I’ve had random conversations with him while he has been fast asleep. The best recent one was him asking if I could hot wire his tractor because he couldn’t find his key. Don’t ask. These got worse due to the side effect of one tablet.

So it seems that these dreams and the lashing out which sometimes comes with them are a side effect of Parkinson’s. They can be so vivid for the sufferer that medication is required to take the edge off the dreams. Some couples have reverted to separate rooms because of the severity of the problem. As things are for us at this moment that isn’t a solution unless I want to sleep in the bath.

Thankfully his dreams, while sometimes are vivid, haven’t got to the stage that I fear for my safety. Some of the stories I have read are worrying. Some funny too; they probably weren’t at the time. I have become tuned into his fidgeting which usually happens before he starts lashing out. Most of the time me talking to him sternly stops it. Worse case I turn my back as a smack to the back of the head is preferable to a bloody lip.

Dream on

It got me to wondering if these side effects materialise way before the diagnosis but we just don’t pick up on them. I remember one occasion and it hasn’t happened since. The main link road which our flat overlooks had been resurfaced during the two previous nights. I was woken by a rattling. Realising my husband wasn’t in bed I called out. I could hear him by the front door. I asked him what he was doing. ‘Just going to check out the tarmac’ was his reply. Thankfully me telling him to get back into bed stopped him.

We laugh about it now but what if he had gone onto the main road in the night. How far would he have got if I hadn’t woken up? What if a lorry driver had taken his attention off his driving and hit him? He has never done anything like it since but was that an early sign? Is this something that we will have to deal with going forward?

Only time will tell if we will have to deal with this issue and it does become more common place. Most of the time it doesn’t affect me as it’s only a short period of broken sleep in the night but if that becomes more than once a night then I may be hiring scaffold to keep the eyes open at the day job. That or investing in a futon and duvet for my office. I think if I suggest that to my boss he will be telling me to dream on.

I suppose if nothing else, if husband is true to form his dreams will provide plenty of things for me to write about as I am constantly sniggering at the comments he comes out with in his sleep. Sometimes I wonder if I should record him as he doesn’t always believe me. Maybe not, just in case I do it too and he doesn’t remember. E x

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Feeling flat

This was not a sensation I was expecting. Feeling flat sucks. If you are reading this then it is one of my posts that is raw, open and honest. Some don’t make it; they are deleted because nothing can be gained by me hitting publish. Others I hope I can grow from and find my own answer in what I have written.

As I am sat typing this I am a week away from being a published author. I have a box of books beside my armchair ready to sign and dispatch for any people that want signed copies. Yet I feel empty. Certainly feeling flat. It didn’t cross my mind that I could feel like this. I’ve taking a massive step in chasing my dream so why am I feeling this way?

All the research and stories I read on my way to publishing my book said that holding your book for the first time would be emotional. Me…nothing. Was I feeling flat because I was home alone when it arrived and there was no one to share that moment with? I know I wasn’t completely happy with the cover design once I saw it. But with the help of my bestie I tweaked it and was much happier. So I’d be better when I got the new copy…

Nope. Yeah I was pleased with the new design but the book sat on my desk and I was expecting some surge of pride. Some flicker of something: anything. Still just feeling flat. Is there something wrong with me? My bestie is so excited for me and when I spoke to her I couldn’t help but smile. Well as I admitted to her: it was all her fault. If she hadn’t messaged me about my post about asking if I should chase my dream I wouldn’t have tried.

I am supposed to be shouting to anyone who will listen how great my book is, but if I am feeling flat how on earth am I supposed to promote it? It would feel fake. I joined some online groups for new authors. Then asked myself why. I sat there reading posts and the responses, wondering what is wrong with people today. Half the people are selling their services saying they can make their books fly off the shelves. I am a tad cynical about those claims.

Feeling flat even though you have done something you should be proud of

Then there is the other half who are picking holes in the person who has shared their work looking for a little bit of encouragement. They don’t get that. Instead they are bombarded with replies telling them how they have got it all wrong. The cover design is poor. The blurb is not captivating. The fonts are all wrong. I am all for constructive criticism but there is none of that to been seen. Why?

Can you not just say well done on getting that far and then offer one or two suggestions for improvements. Are they putting that person down in the hopes of them giving up. With that person no longer on the scene their odds are marginally better? That is sad. That is wrong. Is that why I am feeling flat? Because most people want to belittle your achievements? If I did that would it make me feel better?

There are people in my life who are yet to find out what I have done. Sadly I am expecting reactions like those on the support group. There is a phrase that is banded about with authors: imposter syndrome. Perhaps I am not feeling flat. Perhaps I am feeling like a fraud. Well what ever it is; it’s not nice. I have yet to find the answer but I will keep looking. Ex

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Who is the smart one?

How would you classify smart? I’m not talking appearance. The fine threads and dapper outfits (I love that word – dapper). I am talking about intellect. Why am I asking? Well husband and I were having a conversation the other day and a comment he made got me thinking. As much as it annoyed me he had a valid point. Just don’t tell him. Because that would smart.

I was talking about how someone had said in passing that they were too old and thick to learn new things. There isn’t too many years between us and I don’t think I am too old to learn new things. Not that I am saying I am smart by any stretch but I have had to get to grips with a fair few new things recently. Don’t get me wrong, it might take me longer to pick it up but I will give it a go. If you don’t try, you don’t know.

Is the reluctance to learn lack of self belief? Tiredness from all the other balls you are usually juggling when you are older. Possibly wanting the younger staff to step up and take more responsibility. Simply feeling why should I bother. Older people can be seen as obsolete and irrelevant. I never want to feel that is how I am seen. I’m not ready to be put out to pasture.

That got us to talking about educational achievement and who would be the smartest based on exam results and qualifications. Then he uttered the following ‘yeah but who is smarter, the one who did well at school and their career and is working their butt off or the one who doesn’t work and is living off benefits.’

His comment has some merit sadly. Then I was reminded of the comment ‘work smart not hard.’ That grated. I am not adverse to hard work and keeping current with the requirements that go with my job. I love to try new things and prove that I am still able to improve and expand my knowledge but was husband right? Is there any point in pushing yourself?

From my point of view I suppose it depends on what sits right with you. What allows you to be at peace with yourself and sleep at night. For me that means working hard and striving to be better. To constantly learn. Maybe that doesn’t make me smart. Perhaps some would say it makes me stupid.

Dream on to be smart

I can’t help but ask myself if the person who doesn’t work has a lack of ambition. Fears failure? Thinks they are entitled. Maybe just lazy. It is their choice and the system helps them to live that way. Please do not think that I am referring to people who are unable to work, I’m not.

At the end of the day it will make no difference to me and how I live . I will keep working hard. Perhaps I am not smart wanting to keep learning. To keep working towards the new things I want to achieve. All so I can stand there proudly and say ‘hey I did that. It was all my hard work.’ For me there is no greater feeling than that.

So never feel you are too thick to try something new. You might not ace it but at least you tried and to me that makes you smart. You could have hidden talents then who would be the smart one. You for believing in yourself, for taking that chance. If all it needs is for someone to believe in you. Well that is me. We are smart. We can do anything E x

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I did it!

No I am not admitting to some terrible crime. I am celebrating. I did it! I published a book. This girl chased her dream and I did it. Excuse me while I take a moment, pat myself on my back and feel a little proud. It’s has been a wild ride for sure but as I sit here right now it has been worth every tear, moment of self doubt and sleepless night!

Don’t get me wrong it has been a hard slog at times. A massive learning curve too but it was worth it. The actual writing of the book wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. The journey to get it published was a lot more complexed than I’d expected, not that I thought it would be plain sailing. There has been new software to get to grips with, formatting styles to learn. Not to mention more rereads of the initial manuscript than was planned.

There were moments when I nearly quit. Getting the notes and suggestions back from my editor was just as I’d expected. It felt like someone taking a red pen to my homework. It stung but it was a necessary all be it painful process. She showed me the habits that I have when writing, the improvements required to how I form my sentences but her parting comment that it was a good first book was a soothing balm to the dented ego.

As this post sees the light of day she is about to edit my second book. I’m hoping that I have learnt from her notes and the red marks will be less this time round. It has certainly changed the way I write. I hope it means that I am a better writer for her input.

The fact that I did it doesn’t mean the work is done. Now the really hard work starts. Promotion and marketing. That blow your trumpet requirement to try and recoup some of the costs to getting to this point. Trust me as dreams go this is not a cheap one to have. But it’s not all about the cost. It’s about proving I could and I did it.

I did it

This is the part that I suck at. I will admit that. Telling people hey you need to read this. I did it and you should buy it. Let’s face it pennies are tight. People haven’t got the spare cash. Getting rich from this is not likely to be in my future but that really wasn’t the reason behind me chasing the dream.

Juggling balls while riding a unicycle was inspired by this blog and is the first is my Just Me series. A series was never the plan when I started but I am going to go where the writing is leading me. You can get it from the usual online shop and hopefully I will be able to get it into a few local stores too. Or you can get it direct from my website where you can get a signed copy. It was suggested people might like that option.

Now I am going to take a little time to let it sink in. I did it. If I do nothing else in life, a book that I have written is out there for the world to see if they care to. So I will sign off and say if I can do it, so can you. It’s never too late to chase that dream. And finally to you people that have been holding my hand through this. Thank you. I did it and I couldn’t have done it with out you. I love ya E x

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Changing expressions

One of the symptoms of Parkinson’s I wasn’t expecting was the facial mask. The limiting of facial expressions. Honestly there were a lot of things I didn’t expect or consider and I swear there are some, if not many, that I am oblivious to. I will look forward to those appearing on our journey: not.

Would I say my husband is the most easy person to read? Probably not. He isn’t exactly open with his expressions or feelings around people he doesn’t know. So did I expect to notice much difference. I don’t have any prior experience with people with this condition apart from my mother-in-law. I didn’t notice this with her so would it really show?

His lip tremor has become more obvious. Now I have no idea if that is just obvious to me because it was brought to my attention by the consultant. My husband has commented how he can sense it more. Especially when he is looking at his gawjus face in the mirror. (His words not mine.) I don’t want to ask others in case they then become aware of it and stare like I did for the first day. The last thing I want to do is draw attention to it, people are not exactly subtle.

Recently I have noticed his expressions have changed when he is just sat watching telly. His resting bitch face as I refer to it in myself. It’s really hard to describe. He looks sadder if that makes sense. For a while I found myself asking if he was OK more often. Then it dawned on my that it was the start of this face masking I had read about. His expressions aren’t limited when he smiles and laughs. His face still creases, as faces do when you reach a certain age. Especially a face that has been exposed to the elements during the numerous years he worked outside.

He can be a grumpy git, he’ll admit it. That too is an age thing I am sure. Men reach a certain age and the grumpy old git gene kicks in. I am suddenly reminded of a saying I heard when growing up when I was caught pulling a face ‘careful the wind doesn’t change or you’ll stay that way.’ I don’t want the wind changing and him having a permanent resting bitch face or expressions of that ilk.

A picture to induce happy expressions

I guess that means I have to make sure he exercises his face muscles to keep his expressions fluid. The muscles active. So do I have carte blanche to behave like an idiot? We tease each other a lot so that helps. Sometimes he starts chuckling and I am looking at him wondering if he has lost the plot. Usually its some odd thought that has popped into his head. I swear the random thoughts are eye opening, but they do make me laugh.

Another thing he has a great habit of doing is mishearing. He has done it for years. It’s not something he makes others aware of but when we are alone it is a great source of amusement. He can reduce me to tears of laughter with the level of mishearing he has. I have given up trying to work out how he can hear something so completely different that what was actually said. It’s like the singing the wrong lyrics to a song for years. That I understand.

I guess we will have to keep trying to make each other laugh and exercise those facial muscles to help maintain those natural crazy expressions for as long as we can. It’s just extremely lucky that we are both so nutty. It goes to proves that you don’t have to be mad but it sure as hell helps. E x