Tag: making the most of it

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Oops here is book two

So I’ve done it again. There is another book out there. This is the second in what I have called my ‘Just Me’ series. If you had asked me at the start of my writing journey about my book subjects this would not have even been a maybe on the the list. It was a suggestion that wouldn’t stop nagging me. It grew legs and ran on a journey to a destination that I was not expecting.

This one was easy to write. A journey back over certain parts of my life, the people who I have met and some events that made me laugh and roll my eyes in equal measure. Yes it was fun to reminisce and maybe I had rose tinted glasses at times but it also made me question a lot of things. Life, society and my own sanity and choices.

Some of the subjects might feel a little deep but it’s not intended to be. My editor commented it was like I was sat in the pub telling stories. I’ll take that. Hopefully it will come across like book one: with humour even if at times it is dark. Sadly there is nothing to learn from reading it. Sorry.

Getting the book finished was easy but once I had my proof in my hand I hit a wall of doubt. I considered pulling its publication. Things that have been said on other sites from authors. Recommendations for writing got me worried. When I read, I do it to escape. Just for the joy of it. I have found errors in books. Would I run straight to the author and tell them? No. If I didn’t like it I wouldn’t slate them online. We all have different tastes.

Book two - rats, stalkers & construction workers

Sadly people do that and they can be vicious, all from the safety of their laptop. Rip apart something that people have poured their heart and soul into, just because they don’t like it. So what, give the book away. Don’t finish it. Mention it in passing to your reading buddies but don’t be cruel online.

This book is based on my memories and experiences. Sure, they may be hazy after the time that has flown by. There are no names, not many places actually mentioned. A few people will recognise themselves and I am fully expecting their recollections to be different. Why? Simply as every story has two side. There is no malice in my tales. Just observations. questions and what ifs. Memories don’t always match. I get that when I reminisce with those closet to me.

So I ask if you read this book and you think I got it wrong, don’t slate me. Don’t message me and ask me to change it. This is my story written as my grey cells have stored it. It is done so move on. If it makes you smile and hopefully laugh then you were either part of the madness of that part of my life or you know me well enough to picture me living it.

Now I am at a writing crossroads. There are more books waiting to be published but which path do I take. There is another in this series with one more begging to be written. If I take the other road then I fear the wall of doubt will be even worse. As this book shows your actions can have a massive ripple effect. So keep that in mind or you might miss out on more ramblings from the madness of my mind. Do you want to risk it? Maybe you should. Ex

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Been There, Done That

Hindsight is a great thing don’t you think? That moment of clarity when you realise you have been there, done that and come through the other side. You can see the signs. Those behaviours, that at the time ,you were living but didn’t see. The nose in front of your face if you will. That when you see it in others you ponder how to help. If in deed you can.

As I have said previously that I feel that I have grown a lot as a person this last year. Some of that I’m sure is the been there, done that mindset. Being able to learn from those situations. Also finding the ability to take a step back and realise that, in the grand scheme of things, not everything, that in the heat of the moment, is actually that earth shatteringly important. Funny how life throws hurdles your way that makes you re-evaluate everything. Giving you a different perspective. Parkinson’s has certainly been one of them. Maybe mix that a little with age.

This blog has been so eye opening for me. Taking that time to reflect and be openly honest about me, my feelings, the things that scare the crap out of me, all from the safety of my laptop. Things that, face to face, I wouldn’t be able to put into words. Not even want to address. Again for those that have been with me on this journey; thank you. I do think without this therapy I wouldn’t be able to deal with things as well as I find I can these days. It’s not perfect but certainly a lot better. This my lot and I have to make the most of it.

Been there, done that

So when you see someone in that place, struggling with their lot, can you actually give them the benefit of your been there revelations? I’m not sure that you can. That is sad. However I’m a realist. Would I have listened? Maybe, but not necessarily with both ears. I don’t think you can move on, I guess, until you want to. You need to have reached that point when you know, deep down, something has to change. You are ready to work on making it change. Do something to help yourself.

Are you more aware of the signs when you have lived it? The constant sighing. The repeating of depressive phrases. The moaning about not seeing anything good to look forward too. I want to apologise for all the times I did that. I’m profoundly sorry. I’ll admit I still sigh a lot but now I think that is more out of exasperation of other peoples stupid behaviour. Sadly it’s more often than I’d like.

You also then have to throw hormones into the female mix. That period of our lives when mother nature is really not playing nice. When up is down and we have no idea where we are in that equation. We need to empower ourselves, research and see what works for us because if we don’t no one else will help. Trial and error. Been there and done that, and this worked for me has never been more relevant.

I guess I used to be the no, not for me person. It’s different. That’s not what I’m saying. Chalk is cheese female. Now I still have my strong views but I’m finding myself more willing to listen to suggestions. That, this might work for you, look into it comment. Please do not tell me I have to do something. That still will not work. My stubborn DNA has not vanished. However if you can offer a word or two of wisdom, I’ll take it.

Going forward being supportive is all you can do. Repeat your been there, done that revelations in a nice way and keep your fingers crossed. I’m not saying that you have to do it indefinitely. At the end of the day, you have to put yourself first, when things get tough. Maybe, like me, they’ll find a way through to the other side in unexpected ways. My goodness, in that sense, I have been lucky. E x

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Talking Therapy

How do you feel about talking therapy? Me I am going to hands down say it’s not for me. The idea of sitting about in a group telling a bunch of strangers the things that are weighing me down is so far outside my comfort zone. In my head I can hear the comments. ‘No one is there to judge.’ ‘A problem shared…’ ‘We are all in the same boat.’ If you are happy doing that good. Like I have said previously there is no right way and you have to do what is right for you.

I bet there are those of you who will roll your eyes and say ‘oh she doesn’t like talking but puts all her thoughts in a book.’ Yep – guilty as charged. I can edit. I can let it all out and hit delete. When I stumble putting my thoughts into words no one will notice or take what I am trying to say the wrong way. Lets face it these days we know how easy it is to offend.

Talking about my frustrations with people who are in the same boat also feels a little mean. They are suffering too so I don’t want to lay my problems on their shoulders, they have enough of their own. Please don’t say that you should leave the issues at the door because that is not me. I’ll shove those suckers in a massive sack and throw it over my shoulder and take it home. That is just who I am.

Another thing that doesn’t work for me is scheduling when I get to sit around talking about my problems. Hello people if I don’t share to those nearest and dearest I’m not going to talk on demand. The talking only happens when I am at the point I have to unload. The chances of that happening that exact moment someone tells me it is my time to talk is slim to non-existent.

A relaxing river is a perfect place to sit talking

The groups where people touch base and call you to make sure you are doing OK are never going to coincide with that moment when you are desperate for someone to sit and listen. I’ve had those calls. ‘Just checking in to see how things are.’ Always when I am having a good day and I’m not going to start talking about the problems and make it not a good day.

I know they tell you to make notes. Notes that when I read them back I think. Yeah that was relevant then but now…maybe not so much. That really got my goat that day but do you know what its not that important. I’ve dealt with it so no point rehashing it. That was a bad day made worse by this person or that situation and its not relevant to my problems. There are so many variables.

In no way am I saying that there should be no talking going on. There has to be some or that pressure cooker of feelings, frustrations and emotions is going to explode and cause an almighty mess. You just need to figure out what works best. A quick call to your bestie. Maybe a online messaging session with a friend where you can reply when its convenient. I’ll even say if you want to have a talk with yourself go for it I am not here to judge.

Talking is only beneficial if it helps, not adds pressure. Some people may need to be coerced into talking. Me I have to feel comfortable and want to. Also the person I am talking to needs to make me feel like they care, not just listening because they are being paid to. So if you want to unload, I’m at the the end of a message. You are not alone Ex

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Just Me!

Why do I dread my phone starting to ring
More drama to my life it always does bring
A favour, some advice, some help to give
Is that my sole purpose, for all that I live.

When things get complicated, that's when you call
The weight on your shoulders making you fall
You want to offload, rant, just bend my ear 
My job is to sooth, help wipe the odd tear.

So when I have news, excitement to share
I'm left feeling lonely, like you don't care
My pain and dejection I'll bury inside
It's now second nature, my emotions to hide.

What would you do if your call won't connect
How would you feel if I just hit reject
How many names would you brand me with
I'd not been there, no shit did I give.

Maybe its my time to smile and to feel
To bare my soul, all my pain to reveal
All those things I've buried deep down
To set them all free, to give up my frown.

I can't guarantee you'll like what you hear
It won't make you laugh or fill you with cheer
I'm not being selfish, sadistic or cruel
I'm just being honest, not like me at all.

For the sake of peace, I'm sorry though I'm not
I misunderstood, that's all that I've got
So let's draw a line, let sleeping dogs be
But from this moment on, I will be just me!


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Being abandoned

Since I have started this journey I have seen stories on group pages about people being abandoned as soon as they receive their diagnosis. I won’t lie, most of them make me cry. I can not imagine getting a diagnosis for Parkinson’s to then have the person who you share your life with walk away immediately after. It doesn’t have to be Parkinson’s but any life changing situation. To have that constant in your life suddenly vanish must make the future look so much harder, scary and so bloody lonely.

I took a moment to try and put myself in that position. How would I feel? Rejected. Unloved for sure. Suddenly no longer perfect, not that I am by a long shot. Maybe defective would be a better way to put it. An embarrassment? Probably a liability. Someone who will now hold you back from living the life you saw in your future. Well news flash. That is the new reality for the person who you have left behind.

Sadly being abandoned isn’t restricted to the nearest and dearest. Family and friends can also slink off quietly, hoping you don’t notice. It’s not so much boldly saying ‘sorry didn’t I sign up for this’ it is more stealth mode, under cover of darkness, vanishing. I’m sure a lot of that is due to them not knowing what you need, how to behave or even not wanting to be on the hook for extra assistance. Possibly not wanting to be witness to your deterioration.

They don’t want you treating them differently. They haven’t grown a second head. It’s not contagious. You probably won’t be asked to move in and help out. Sure they might need a lift on occasion but that’s not such a big ask. At this point they don’t know what they are dealing with. Trust me, I promise you will all be on the same page, except their learning curve needs to be a steep one. You don’t have to do the intense course, just a brief overview would be enough.

Being abandoned but seeing things from both sides of the fence

Never once has it crossed my to do this. To make my husband feel abandoned. Neither of us signed up for this curve ball. You just have to roll with it and make the most of the new reality. That new path might be rougher and a tad steeper but it doesn’t mean the view has to be bleak and miserable. Take it slow and enjoy the things you do encounter on the way, no matter how tiny.

Please don’t get me wrong, not everyone is cut out to be a carer as I covered in a prior post. I am not condoning staying in a relationship that is detrimental to your own health. However I do think there are ways to deal with it. This maybe easier in hindsight as I can bet that the urge to run at that moment of diagnosis could be overwhelming. Yet staying and making you both miserable isn’t going to help anyone in the long run.

So if this is you. Having been abandoned. Reach out, there are places and people that want to help. The future doesn’t need to be lonely or bleak. If you are the other side of the equation and want to leave but don’t want to leave someone abandoned, talk to some one. Perhaps you are scared. For both parties it is daunting. A lot is unknown and there is no set path. Each journey is unique. Just talk to each other. Be honest as it’s a lot to deal with. You’ll find the way that is best for you. I believe in you E x

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I did it!

No I am not admitting to some terrible crime. I am celebrating. I did it! I published a book. This girl chased her dream and I did it. Excuse me while I take a moment, pat myself on my back and feel a little proud. It’s has been a wild ride for sure but as I sit here right now it has been worth every tear, moment of self doubt and sleepless night!

Don’t get me wrong it has been a hard slog at times. A massive learning curve too but it was worth it. The actual writing of the book wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. The journey to get it published was a lot more complexed than I’d expected, not that I thought it would be plain sailing. There has been new software to get to grips with, formatting styles to learn. Not to mention more rereads of the initial manuscript than was planned.

There were moments when I nearly quit. Getting the notes and suggestions back from my editor was just as I’d expected. It felt like someone taking a red pen to my homework. It stung but it was a necessary all be it painful process. She showed me the habits that I have when writing, the improvements required to how I form my sentences but her parting comment that it was a good first book was a soothing balm to the dented ego.

As this post sees the light of day she is about to edit my second book. I’m hoping that I have learnt from her notes and the red marks will be less this time round. It has certainly changed the way I write. I hope it means that I am a better writer for her input.

The fact that I did it doesn’t mean the work is done. Now the really hard work starts. Promotion and marketing. That blow your trumpet requirement to try and recoup some of the costs to getting to this point. Trust me as dreams go this is not a cheap one to have. But it’s not all about the cost. It’s about proving I could and I did it.

I did it

This is the part that I suck at. I will admit that. Telling people hey you need to read this. I did it and you should buy it. Let’s face it pennies are tight. People haven’t got the spare cash. Getting rich from this is not likely to be in my future but that really wasn’t the reason behind me chasing the dream.

Juggling balls while riding a unicycle was inspired by this blog and is the first is my Just Me series. A series was never the plan when I started but I am going to go where the writing is leading me. You can get it from the usual online shop and hopefully I will be able to get it into a few local stores too. Or you can get it direct from my website where you can get a signed copy. It was suggested people might like that option.

Now I am going to take a little time to let it sink in. I did it. If I do nothing else in life, a book that I have written is out there for the world to see if they care to. So I will sign off and say if I can do it, so can you. It’s never too late to chase that dream. And finally to you people that have been holding my hand through this. Thank you. I did it and I couldn’t have done it with out you. I love ya E x

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Is Nature the answer?

Why do we not turn to nature more for answers to life’s problems? I swear this is not going to be a deep, happy clappy blog. This is actually inspired by my best friends, friend who is going through a rough time, but that is not my tale to tell. She has been doing research to help with her journey and has kindly offered me and hubby some pointers. Words of wisdom from her finds to date.

Let me set the tone right now. I’m in no way saying forgo medical advice and medication to find answers in the larder that nature has to offer. However, can we not make use of that supply to assist and make the drugs work better. Reduce the side effects. A short call to my friend and the few things that were mentioned, I swear, it was like a light bulb moment. Yeah, that makes sense.

A drug you take affects a balance in your body. So you counteract that and reset the balance with specific food. You need to take your tablets with food so it makes perfect sense to eat something that enhances them. Makes it work better. My goodness it’s not rocket science. So why doesn’t medicine use nature to help patients treatments. Please don’t tell me it’s just down to being no profit in it for them. That sucks and is just so wrong. If it is the case. Shame on you drug geeks!

Me, personally, I would happily use natural remedies. Let’s face it, people swear by hot lemon for colds. Chicken soup. Spices to relieve toothache. Oils for aches. Woman have been passing on their remedies for dealing with morning sickness for years. I wanted to slap myself for not considering this sooner. It’s obvious when you think about it. People have been doing it for centuries. Nature is great that way.

the beauty of nature

The Parkinson’s medication can cause nausea, so what can nature offer us to help. Sure I’ll have to dig into my science lessons that are stuffed somewhere in the brain cells. Read the tablet gumph, then do some research. From that point on it’s trial and error. I mean ,what is there to lose? Nothing, as far as I can see. If we can get it right, surely that is a win for all parties. If I can make husband feel a little better and get the full benefit of his medication then I’ll do the study.

Now I get what will work for one may not work for another. We are all individual. This may not be something you are comfortable with. That’s fine. We all have the right to our own opinion. For me though, if doing this leg work and finding something in the larder nature has to offer that eases side effects has to be a bonus. Some have been horrid and put a limit on daily activities. Medication is supposed to help you live, not make you housebound.

We might find that something he can eat to help is something he can grow on the allotment. That would be a double win. A reason to get out and a fresh supply. Home grown tastes so much better. There’s a lot of medication that he is on, so this could be a long process. The Parkinson’s drug will be my starting point. One medication at a time. It could be a waste of time, but that’s a chance I’m prepared to take. Just in case it works.

So now I’m off research carefully. Double checking my findings. Looking for new recipes. Who knows where it’ll lead us. If nothing else, we might come across some new dishes. I’ll let you know how it goes. Hopefully you won’t smell any burning. I make no promises. Ex

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Being fobbed off!

Don’t get fobbed off. A phrase I have used, possibly more times that I should have and recently it was said to us. I had to smile. Sure we all like to think we can stand our ground, ask to be listened to but do we actually get heard. I actually fear that we don’t. It’s more like we are patted on the head like a small child with the hopes we will shut up and go away.

Since we were giving the initial Parkinson’s diagnosis in January 2024, looking back, we have been fobbed off quite a lot. This is hasn’t gone unnoticed but it has been quietly accepted as ‘just the way it is.’ Well maybe not quietly, there have been some expletives used. It is just not right, in fact it’s positively disgraceful. The passing of the buck has got to epic proportions. So when we feel we are being fobbed off what can we do about it?

This started for us way before this diagnosis. It’s prevalent when you are under more than one department and the conditions can be linked. The back surgeon tells you its your hip, the hip specialist tells you it’s your back causing the problem. Then you get a new issue and the two of them rub their hands together and put the onus on the rheumatology consultant. It’s being fobbed off as a tag team event.

Now we throw Parkinson’s into the mix and well tag it’s all linked to that. Sadly I expected that and well the consultants didn’t disappoint. It felt like it was, we’ll he has Parkinson’s so it is to be expected. There is the ‘get out of jail free’ card. We can discharge you from our clinic and make our numbers look better. Majorly fobbed off!

I'll just sit here and wait to be fobbed off again

When we were going through the symptoms with the new Parkinson’s consultant and we mentioned everything being linked to this she smiled, nodded and stayed silent. I got the feeling she has heard that more times that she would like. It must be so frustrating from her position. She then put husband through a load of mobility tests. Boy did she get a work out, moving him about. Sitting back down she typed away then sat back, looked at us and smiled.

You have a tremor based Parkinson’s, this is good news. At this time it is not affecting your walking as you have no shuffling, freezing or stooping. The symptoms you have described are not down to Parkinson’s. Its more likely arthritis based so do not get fobbed off when they tell you they are not. When is your next appointment? No idea. We haven’t heard anything for nearly a year. I would swear there was an internal eye roll.

Hearing her tell us not to get fobbed off pretty much had me grinning. It was refreshing to hear someone being so assertive. We have got so used to ‘well it could be,’ or ‘it’s more likely to be.’ We left there feeling a tad more positive and with a prescription for the increase in medication. The letter regarding the appointment was with us later that night. She is nothing if not efficient.

So where do we go now? Back to waiting for appointments from the other clinical departments. I am not going to hold my breath for anything in the near future. Then back to to this clinic in six months. Hopefully the medication will have started to have an effect. It’s all a waiting game. Something my husband is not good at. I’ll just have to find him chores to keep him occupied. Ex

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Winter Blues

I’ve never really felt like I have suffered from the seasonal effects of the weather, especially the winter blues but this year is different. But is it the weathers fault? A lot of people I have spoken to have all commented about how it seems to be darker for longer in the mornings. I have sure noticed that. Dark mornings never really bothered me but this winter I am certainly wishing them gone. The groan as the alarm sounds, you peer out with one eye open and swear that it can’t be time to get up as it’s still night out.

The rain without a doubt isn’t helping and boy we seem to have had a lot of heavy downpours and constant dull skies. The damp doesn’t help with hubbies arthritis. Nor does it make him want to get over the allotment. The levels of rain have already ruined the newly planted onion sets. The first casualty of the year. Not great for the motivation. Nor is the prospect of muddy footwear and wet clothes when you get caught in that sharp shower!

I seem to remember crisp but bright sunny winter days when I was younger. You would happily wrap up and get outside. Now they seem to be dull, grey and wet more often than not. Is my memory wrong? Have I donned my rose tinted glasses? Is grey going to be our new norm? I sure hope not. It seems to affect so many other parts of your life or perhaps that’s just me.

The chores on the way home from work seem twice as boring. The need to pop out at the weekend such an effort because all you want to do is stay inside with a nice warm drink and a slushy film or a good book. Are we all finding daily life so much more of a burden? The good buried deeper under the higher costs we are all facing. People are grumpier: more short tempered. I can’t say I blame them. Good cheer seems to still be on its winter holiday.

There is a glimmer of hope with the nights drawing out not that you notice that when you are huddled under an umbrella trying to keep dry waiting for the bus that you suspect has been cancelled. Perhaps the driver decided to stay home under the duvet. I know I wish I had. Once that damp and cold gets in you, curling under the duvet seems to be the only place to get warm again.

We shouldn’t be wishing the days away but I for one will be sure happy to see the bright green shoots on the trees, the tips of the bulbs breaking through the sodden soil. That is, as long as they haven’t rotted or been washed away. Even to feel a little heat from the winter sun wouldn’t go amiss. Some brightness to put a spring in your step and a smile on your face.

Husband is looking forward to the sun being out. This winter he has been housebound more than I have ever known him to be. The aches intensified by the weather. The warmth I hope will see him out to the allotment. Replacing the onions to start with. Tackling the weeds that I have no doubt turn it into a bit of a jungle. Preparing the beds ready for this years crops. One thing I can promise without fail that when the summer hits and the temperatures get a little too warm for him he will utter those annoying words that will make me tut ‘roll on winter!’ E x

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My early morning commute.

I’ve had to smile a few times recently when people have commented on my early starts during the working week. My alarm goes off at 4.45am. I bet some of you groaned. I suppose I have always been an early bird when it comes to work. I had a paper round growing up so I was out early for that. When I worked at the shop I was stopping off at my Nan’s to have a cuppa and check in with her before opening up. My alarm in those days was simply my dad stopping outside my bedroom door on his way out to work. A postman leaving to sort and deliver the mail.

Now don’t get me wrong I love a lie in. I could not do early starts everyday but when it is to go to work I prefer it. Why? Well I love the peace of being in the office before everyone else so I can have a cuppa without interruptions. Then I can get myself set up for the day without people distracting me. I think the best thing is the world you see at that time of day. The hour or two before the hustle and bustle of the rush hour, when the world is waking up.

The woman I see most mornings out for a walk. Maybe that is the only time she gets to herself. The man walking his dog who waves as he passes on the other side of the road. The guy from the supermarket who gets the same bus as me who is out on his feet from his night shift. Other people on the bus who are heading towards the train station to miss the packed later trains. Tradesmen on their way to the building sites that open before office hours. It’s quiet. People still not quite awake or just contemplating the day ahead.

The guy that smells like germolene, the woman who’s perfume makes my eyes itch or the lady that constantly looks like she has lost something who is forever searching in her hand bag. People I probably wouldn’t notice once it gets busier. At certain times of the year I get to enjoy the most beautiful sunrises. The fox that is out looking for its breakfast. The birds with their early chorus. And of course the joy of less traffic!

Early rising gets you to see lovely views

Once off the bus on my walk to the office its the postmen on their way to the sorting office with their coffee from the local cafe. Most smile, nod and say morning. The council workers litter picking and emptying the bins that wave and call out a cheery ‘morning darling.’ Eateries setting up the tables and chairs on the pavement outside, ready for the early customers. Market traders unloading their vans and setting up their stalls. There is bustle, not that of rush hour, but of a different kind.

Outside the pub the dray delivering the barrels that sound loud in the early morning hush. On the other side of the road the van delivering fresh fruit and veg to the market shop for their impressive daily display of goodies. Inside the cafe the owner waves if he sees me, he calls out if he is outside ‘how are you? Not seen you in a while.’ He is right I’ve not treated myself to lunch in there for quite a while.

The early world is not as still as you might think. I love it. It feels special in a way as not many people get to see it. Most probably won’t contemplate those early people out setting up the world but to me they are like little worker ants. Without them I wonder how the day would unfold. E x