When does trying to help become smothering; overbearing? A step too far? This is something I am very aware of. I am stubbornly independent. If something needs doing I will attempt it first before asking for help. I will spend ages figuring a way to get it done: on my own. My husband is the same. He doesn’t want to be a burden. He wants his independence so when do you step in and help?
Something you should know about me. I don’t like feet. I hate mine being touched and I sure as hell don’t want to be playing with someone else’s. Don’t judge me! We all have our quirks. I am just admitting to mine. So one of the first thing my husband needed help with after his hip surgery was putting his socks on. I did mentally curse the surgeon. He could manage before so why can’t he now? Seems this happens a lot. Thanks. Could have told me that before the surgery.
My online friend sent me a link for a sock aid. OMG best purchase ever. Gave husband back some independence and I don’t have to touch his feet. Massive win. So I am always on the look out for things to make life easier. Recently he has struggled to open bottles and jars. So naturally I loosen them up for him. Oh yeah we have all used that line. I see that smirk. I know you have even if you won’t admit it.
Yoghurt pots are another tricky one. Well we have all had that pot spit up over us. He was a victim of that so many times even before his diagnosis so nothing new there. It is a standing joke he likes to wear his food. I constantly rib him that he needs a bib. We have a good relationship like that; plenty of laughter. I use the line ‘oh heavens what are you like?’ on a daily basis.
When it is just us together, be it us at home or when we are out and its just us its fine. I will just say you ok with that or do you need help. More often than not he will manage. However when it is us with others I try to be more discrete. I will look at him and he knows and he will shake his head. He will find a way. I don’t want that to change. I hope I will not become one of those wives who tut and roll their eyes (I do that but for other reasons and normally at other people) then say “oh give me that I’ll do it” or “you are making a mess, give it to me.” He has his pride and I don’t want to embarrass him; well more that I do anyway.
Some family members have suggested getting people in to help as he gets worse. You should have seen his face. It wasn’t a “I’ll think about it” it was a straight forward “not happening”. That is my job. It is in the small print of the marriage certificate. I can see where he is coming from. I am old school. Taking care of your spouse is part of the job. One of his daughters a few years back, when we were all together having dinner said to me “I’m so glad Dad married you.” Aw how sweet. That’s one of the nicest things she has said to me however I waited for the other shoe to drop “you being that much younger than him means we don’t have to worry about looking after him. You can manage.” I laughed “so you aren’t going to have him move in with you then?” ‘Nah but you can have the granny flat.” There isn’t much you can say to that.
So where is that happy medium? I think he has to take the lead. I have to trust that when he needs help he will ask. His classic is when he needs his shoelaces tying. He will sit there and tap his feet gently on the floor to get my attention and then grin at me. Need help there? Please sweetie. Don’t get me wrong I have been known to tie the laces together so he can’t walk. Well I get to have some fun right? I am no longer sweetie but stupid woman at that point. I guess there are worse things he could call me. Its hard asking for help so I will assist when he does, with a smile on my face. I am likely to tease him too. That is just our dynamic. Both mad as March hares. It works for us so just do what works for you. E x