Tag: believe in yourself

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Avoidance Mode

Today has been a productive writing day. I have tweaked draft blog posts. Had inspiration for quite a few new ones. I am so well organised that I have had to change the scheduling of some of them. I swear the order will get changed again as more get written. I have been over the ones I have. Only the odd change. As I have said previously some of these posts get written weeks in advance. As I type this I am actually good for three whole months. I have to blog when the subjects come to mind. Some can be held for when the inspiration runs dry.

I do think I am also in avoidance mode. My knitting needles are not seeing the light of day and they really should be. The stock is no where to the level it should be ready for the winter sales. That is where my income comes from to cover my costs for the year so I really need to get motivated. The gloves and hats are not going to knit themselves as for my husband…. nope he is no help there let me assure you.

My big writing project. What can I say? In a previous post I said that I had been given a curve ball and I was worried about the cost. How much I would need to lay out to chase that dream. Husband took me shopping and a new laptop ended up coming home. It was more than I was intending to spend. He didn’t care. You have worked hard on this. I want you to do it. See it through to the end. He has no idea that he made me cry. He is usually quietly supportive but this time he was pushing me. The curve ball for the moment has been caught and is not currently at play. That is certainly one less thing to worry about: for how long I don’t know.

The laptop came to work and I worked away on it during my lunch for a week. It went to the allotment with me. Not that I got much done. That baby is big writing project only. This is being typed on my husbands laptop: well the one his business brought me to do his admin. I often work sat on our bed, which is where I am now. The new one is sat beside me. Probably feeling a little neglected, it got flicked on this morning and it hasn’t had much use. I am suddenly reluctant to … give the story legs. To breath life into it.

Why? The first novel I have yet to revisit I have added a little story I had forgotten. I nearly picked it up earlier but inspiration for a blog came to mind. I had decided to focus on the romance but it was harder: that is no bad thing. Having to work at it. It didn’t flow. It was a completely different style to the first book. I was doubting it. I found myself saving the first chapter and without warning sending it to my online friend. She loved it. Ok its not tat then. She is expecting a chapter or two more when she is back from her holidays. I know where I want the story to go so that isn’t the problem. So why am I avoiding it?

I have a list of questions that I feel I need to have answers for before I can truly run with it all. The whole publishing dream. For this endeavour I know I need to have those right before. The cost to change my mind after is too great. I have set myself one deadline. Ideally by that point I need to have answered most of my question. I don’t need to have actioned all of them but decisions need to have been made. One requires me to ask advice from someone via work. Lets hope he doesn’t become Larry loose lips.

Honestly I think the real reason I am suddenly hesitant is I don’t want to disappoint my husband. To fail him. That vocal faith he has voiced in this dream. In my heart I know that as long as I give it my best shot he will be proud. For me that isn’t enough. This feels like an exam. I’ve never failed one yet. I don’t want to start now. Ex

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Head over Heart

So many hard decisions. Is it too much to want life not to throw so many at once. I mean come on, cut me some slack here. My mind can only cope with so many what if scenarios at one time. I am not a look at the situation and run with it person. Hubby is the laid back, take it in his stride party … me I want to look at it from all angles. Even if it means making some up. So here we are with some big decisions to make. Some of those we can’t yet as they are in the hands of others but it doesn’t stop me second guessing.

Then I get possible curve ball situation that I am told not to worry about. Yeah thanks for that. I would have preferred ignorance with that right now. Why do I need to stress myself out on things that don’t need me to … just yet anyway? I wish I knew. Yes I hear you break it down and deal with what you can control at this moment. I can do this. Step back. Deep breath. One step at a time.

So what can I deliberate at this moment? My other writing project. I’ve done my research. I made one decision and brought a book to help me figure out the processes that I would need to take for it to see the light of day. Oh man I learnt a lot. There was so many things that I hadn’t considered. I guess once I got into the process I would have but would I have cut a few corners? Possibly. So now I have more things to decide before I can take the plunge. But….. yeah wait for it as we all know there is always a but.

Cost! As with all things there is a price tag. This is an occasion where I am going to have to ask myself can I put the money where my mouth is? Can I justify the outlay for what is likely to be no return. I need to manage the ideal dream to the likely reality. I can hear the voices telling me what to do. No I am not crazy. I mean I can hear the other side of the conversations I would have with the people who have been behind me on this dream. That I deserve to do this. I never treat myself and I can’t know the return will be nothing: I need more faith in myself.

For me it comes back to the difference between want and need. I want to do this but do I need to do it? I think today they have become too blurred. People can confuse the two to justify their actions. For me they are very clear cut. I may desperately want to see this project to completion but do I need it? Sure if it is a success it could change my life but (yes there goes another one) if I fall flat on my face its a chunk of money wasted. If the returns are good the curveball may be easier to deal with. I may even be able to take a bat to it.

Can I just be happy knowing that I have written a book? I mean that what it boils down to isn’t it? It’s written. Does it need to see the light of day? I’ve proved that to myself. It was even easier that I thought it was going to be to get it done. It actually didn’t give me as many sleepless nights as I was expecting. Husband will back me whatever I decide. He just wants me to be happy.

The sensible side of me always wins over the things my heart wants. I fear this will be no different. However just for once is it ok for me to be selfish? Do something that is just for me? So for now I will work on taking this forward until I need to start to outlay funds and by then hopefully I will be able to make a decision. While I wrestle with this I hope that where ever you are at this moment; you are nailing it. I know you can. I just need to find that belief in myself Ex

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Giving Yourself Advice

I saw a clip on TV the other day asking famous actors what advice they would give their younger selves. It got me thinking. If you could sit the younger you down and offer some advice would you? I’m not talking about spilling the beans at the poop life will throw your way. No one needs to know that in advance, unless you want to tell me which way to duck to dodge it. The plot twists fate has lined up for you. I’m talking about general words of advice. Maybe having more faith in yourself. Chase that dream. Take more chances.

I’ve always approached each decision in my life with a pros and con deliberation and never looked back on the path that I have chosen. Head over heart; logical over emotional. Most of that I would say I still stand by. I have no major regrets. There is no point living by what ifs. If only. What if I had? Can’t go back. Can’t change it. We can only alter what is left in front of us. But have I left that too late?

Would knowing what life has in store make you more reckless? Maybe. Probably. Changing those plans could alter your path. Who knows? I could have been a Hollywood movie star. Just kidding! That was never in my plans no matter what alternative path I took. I’m laughing as I type. Me on the big screen?! Nope. Never. The world would never be ready for that.

Would I have wanted to know what we are facing now before we got married? Absolutely not. Would I have said yes to his proposal? If I am honest, I don’t know. No one wants to see the person they love struggle with their health. Then where would I be now? Divorced? Living the dream? I’ll never know. No point dwelling on it.

However I do wish I had been a little braver. Not been so much of the responsible adult. Doing what everyone expected of me. I guess they would be my words of wisdom. Live a little and have faith in yourself. Snog that guy at the works party. No I am not tell who so don’t ask but for clarity its not where I work now. Be more honest when people hurt your feelings. Don’t cover for the person who was two timing your friend. The most important one; never let a job make you ill. Did that. Learnt from it but it wasn’t a nice experience. It became the yardstick I measured employers by going forward.

I guess you have to live the harder experiences to grow. Use them to become the person you are meant to be. Then there is the question; would your younger self have taken advice? Were you the young person who could take on the world and nothing would faze you? I don’t think I was. In hindsight maybe I was corralled in my younger years to the path I took. There were certain expectations in society: in my family. It was pretty old school.

So yes. Two bits of advice I think I would impart. Firstly, you are good enough. Even when things are tough never doubt that. When people are chipping away at you that is not about you but them. You are stronger than you know and when things get hard keep going as you will make it through the other side. Perhaps that is why I am my own harshest critic. Feeling that I was never good enough I held myself to higher standards. Maybe that isn’t such a bad thing. Striving to be the best you can be.

Secondly don’t let someone tell you that your dreams aren’t important. They are. Without dreams life would be uninspiring. If you want to chase them, do it and its never too late to try. It might not work out but if you give it your all then that is all you can do. You never know it may lead you to a path that you had not considered. They say: as one door closes another opens. Take a peek inside. Be brave. That room may contain hidden treasures.

So as I sign off please remember you are good enough. You are strong. You are loved. To someone you are the world, even if they don’t tell you everyday.

My life, my rules, my way. E x